Highlights from the inaugral season
of the Funny-Ass Football Association
New Additions
To The Sambo Fest Line-Up
by: Very Large Men |
Thursday, September
9 10:22 AM PT
|
| It has just been announced that Whitman
Mayo and LaWanda Page, better known as Grady Wilson and Aunt Esther
from TV's "Sanford & Son," will be previewing selections from
their new Broadway tribute to Redd Foxx, DAMN IT, LAMONT! There
will be a Q&A following the performance, moderated by dance legend,
Ben Vereen.
|
PCHS-PigskinSquad
Favored on Sunday
by: PCHS-PigskinSquad |
Saturday, September
11 12:16 AM PT
|
Santa Clara, CA (AP)- The mood around
the PCHS-PigskinSquad was business as usual on Friday as the team
gets set to head to New York for its opening week show-down against
Very Large Men. The fact that PCHS heads to the east coast as
favorites comes as a surprise to no one. The fact that Las Vegas
oddsmakers have them favored by 13 1/2 points has however, raised
a few eyebrows, including the ones attached to coach "Bravo" Smith's
handsome face.
"Thirteen and a half is a lot to be favored by opening weekend
on the road, but this team has to get used to such expectations,"
Smith told reporters outside The Sambodome before the team boarded
the bus for the airport. "Of course, Very Large Men don't stand
much of a chance on Sunday. They would appear to be the first
stepping-stone on our drive to become the first Pimps, Chimps
and Happy Sambos team to win a title."
PCHS-PigskinSquad concluded practice Friday with a "win one for
the Gipper"-type speech given by Ben Vereen, who happened to be
in town for Sambofest '99™ which, because of scheduling errors
had to be postponed from Sept. 12th to the 14th due to the fact
that PCHS-PigskinSquad plays on the twelth.
"That's what happens when I put my secretary in charge of organizing
these functions," Smith explained. "She can type like the devil
and she gives a mean blow-job, but she ain't gots no smarts."
|
The Right
Balls seem to be grasping at straws...
by: The 19 cent team |
Monday, September
13 12:51 PM PT
|
| Was that proposal supposed to make me
laugh? If so well done Murray, well done. Two bench players for
a couple of starters? Come now Murray, I may be new to fantasy
leagues with you guys, but I won't be taken as you have in the
past.
|
Men Loom
Large In Wake Of Unprecedented Victory
by: Very Large Men |
Tuesday, September
14 1:38 PM PT
|
Reports of a ignominious drubbing by
the PCHS Pigskin Squad were greatly exaggerated. Should you continue
to doubt the sheer girth of these Men, we'll be happy put on another
demonstration when we make our sojourn out to the Sambodome.
And, uh.... Murray? Would you please go peddle your slipshod QB
elsewhere?
|
This just
in
by: Pouch Mouse USA |
Tuesday, September
14 4:42 PM PT
|
Pouch Mouse USA has extended an invitation
to Chuck Yeager to become the team's official spokesperson for
the 1999 campaign. Chuck brings over 50 years of tried-and-true
spirited statesmanship to the fold. Backed by his 100% guarantee,
Chuck promises to bring a championship-caliber attitude to lasso
the hearts of millions that will soon become faithful PouchPackers.
Pouch Mouse USA would also like to thank AC Delco for accepting
the buy-out offer of two geese, flatware from the J.P. Faddoul
Company and a red-rimmed stool (sans bidet).
|
The Right
Balls Sign Griese, Price
by: The Right Balls |
Thursday, September
16 11:12 AM PT
|
| Bowling Green, OH (AP) The Right Balls
today signed Brian Griese and Peerless Price to multi-year contracts.
The details were not disclosed. "I believe this improves are squad
a great deal, i was worried after our opening day loss" GM Murray
B told the press afterword. Griese seemed less then pleased as
hes always preferred the left balls, but did put on a smile for
the day. "Its good to be with a winning program"
|
League
Yawns As Murray Fidgets With Balls
by: Very Large Men |
Friday, September
17 1:13 PM PT
|
If he doesn't continue to get knocked
around like he was last Monday, Griese might be a step in the
right direction.
Still, I'd keep Don Strock's number on the old speed dial.
|
PCHS GM
Predicts: "Sambos By 30!"
by: PCHS-PigskinSquad |
Wednesday, September
22 1:46 AM PT
|
Santa Clara, CA (AP)- When asked about
his team's chances this weekend against division rival The Tayvees,
PCHS-PigskinSquad GM Bravo Smith declared that victory would easily
be theirs.
"We shall crush our enemies, see them driven before us, and hear
the lamentations of their women", an obviously intoxicated Smith
told reporters outside a local massage parlor. "Sambos by 30.
Write that in your damn notebooks."
When asked about his team's shopping of Warrick Dunn around the
league, Smith declined to comment as he was vomitting down his
shirt. When further questioned on the topic of Steve Young's health,
the legendary GM responded with an obscenity-laced tirade directed
at estranged friend Ben Vereen. He then pissed his pants and passed
out, but not before waving a broken beer bottle at stunned onlookers
and challenging Sports Illustrated's Frank Deford to a fight.
|
Unknown
Gil Gerards in 2nd Place
by: The Gil Gerards |
Thursday, September
23 1:31 PM PT
|
| Boston (MA)—In a league where many coaches
know each other and hurl inside jokes and insults back and forth
like scorned mistresses; one team has stood out—The Gil Gerards.
"We have silently risen to the top of the heap," said Coach Dodez.
"And let me tell you, the pile stinks." When asked what the key
is to their early season success the coach replied: "All of the
players have pictures of Erin Gray in their locker." After issuing
the statement Coach Dodez's eyes rolled back into his head and
drool began to dribble off his lips. This reporter ran from the
scene with the slowly dissolving screams of "Where is Silver Spoons
on the dial? I can't find the reruns!!?" billowing from the Coach.
|
Another
unknown.
by: Ham and Creamsickles |
Friday, September
24 6:11 AM PT
|
| Like that dodez character, most you know
don't know me. I like creamed corn and go-bots. I, not unlike
charlie, will wait in the brush until the 13th week and then take
out all da MFers wit my gats. You Dig?
|
Just a
thought...
by: PCHS-PigskinSquad |
Friday, September
24 11:09 AM PT
|
I just had a thought. Gary "Mad and"
Violette, don't you think it's strange that your team hails from
Chapel Hill, NC where children, streets, and sports complexes
are named after Dean Smith?
I'd like to retract my earlier prediction of PCHS Pigskin-Squad
winning by 30.
No, it's going to be Sambos by 40.
|
Balls moving
in right direction
by: The Right Balls |
Wednesday, September
29 10:57 AM PT
|
| After upsetting the Very Large Men, GM
Murray Beaverson seems to have the balls moving in the right direction.
"Even though we have yet to throw for a touchdown, I think we
have the talent to make a move towards the top." said a very proud
GM as he downed Natural Light after Natural Light. "In fact I
credit my masterful pick-ups of both Stoney and Timmy B as signs
of my GM prowess." He later went on to call the rest of the GM's
"Player haters" when they should be "congratulators"
|
Nagel shakes
his head in utter disbelief.
by: The 19 cent team |
Wednesday, September
29 11:22 AM PT
|
| Owner of the what is soon to be powerhouse
19 cent team, F. Redpop Nagel, had a look of shock and disbelief
on his face as he was made yet another offer from The Right Balls.
"It really says something about an owner when one day he's talking
up his player, and the next they're on the offer sheet. I'm not
sure what it says, but it's definitely something," said a visibly
shaken Redpop. "Right now, I have to regroup my team, let them
know that their positions are safe on this squad. In a few weeks
we've got a game that makes or brakes our season, no matter how
we end up overall. Our biggest rival must go down, and go down
hard!"
|
Are The
Sambos Looking Past Roach's Rednecks?
by: PCHS-PigskinSquad |
Thursday, September
30 5:03 PM PT
|
Santa Clara (AP)- This weekend's marquee
match-up of PCHS-PigskinSquad and Roach's Rednecks has everyone
in the FAFA buzzing with excitement. Everyone, that is, except
for Sambos GM Bravo Smith.
"This game is basically just our final tune-up for Week 5. That's
our Super Bowl. The championship to follow is just gravy," Smith
told CNN Sports after Thursday's work-out as he relaxed in the
team spa with his "physical therapist", Sapphire, and her sixteen
year-old daughter. "Frankly, I've never even heard of this Roach
character. Sounds like just another young yahoo trying to take
what I've got. Next week we will seperate men from boys. This
week, I think it's obvious."
The "next week" Smith is referring to pits PCHS-PigskinSquad against
hated archrivals Pouchmouse, U.S.A. in what looks to be "Game
of the Year", but Smith had better beware of the 2-1 Rednecks,
especially without injured quarterback Steve Young to lead the
Sambo passing attack.
"Steve Young is a great player, there is no doubt about that,
and he will be missed," Smith conceded as he adjusted the ladies'
snorkels. "But Beuerlein is no slouch. He threw for over 500 yards
against our practice squad today. Granted, it was only our practice
squad, but those guys do play in this league under the name of
The Right Balls..."
|
Men GM
Breaks Silence On Crushing Loss To Right Balls
by: Very Large Men |
Friday, October
1 1:47 PM PT
|
NEW YORK CITY, October 1 -- Following
a week of ducking the press, Very Large Men GM, Jeremy "Yhames"
Smith, finally spoke to reporters, albeit briefly, outside of
Manhattan's Friar's Club restaurant regarding his team's loss
to league joke, The Right Balls.
"As I'm sure you can imagine, it's been a trying week," said Mr.
Smith in a near-whisper, "but I've come through it. I met with
Reverend (Jesse) Jackson on Wednesday, and we had a good conversation.
He helped me to understand that Tim Biakabatuka.....," at this
point, Mr. Smith's voice wavered. With the aid of lunch companion
and good friend, Tom Bosley, he composed himself and continued.
"The guy has the best game of his life since he shattered Ohio
State's hopes of a National Championship. You can't predict that
kind of nonsense. If you can, there's a high roller suite in Vegas
waiting for you."
When pressed to comment on his team's chances this week against
the Hounder Pounders, Mr. Smith betrayed an ever-so-slight smile
and offered, "let's just say we've taken steps to ensure that
there will never be a repeat of last week's debacle. I fully expect
us to win, and win big, this weekend."
When the questioning shifted to the troubling subject of Mr. Smith's
widely-reported scuffle with all four Baldwin brothers outside
a SoHo eatery last Monday night, the embattled GM was swiftly
ushered into a waiting limo by Mr. Bosley, and whisked away down
Fifth Avenue. For the record, the Baldwin camp continues to assert
that the melee was instigated by a fantastically inebriated Mr.
Smith, who allegedly asked Alec and wife Kim Basinger to sign
a DVD copy of their notorious 1992 flop, THE MARRYING MAN. Calls
to Mr. Smith's publicist continue to go unreturned.
|
Balls continue
climb towards the top.
by: The Right Balls |
Tuesday, October
5 12:03 PM PT
|
Bowling Green, Ohio (AP) Who would have
expected the balls to pull off 2 straight victories to put themselves
at .500 for the season. With the stunning defeat of the Ruby Nickles,
the Balls have even moved past the once might PCHS into 8th place
and with an easy game next week against the Tayvees, this is a
team that is clearly on a role. Balls GM Murray Brazinsky was
confident on his teams future "We are here to win games, and thats
what we do. But forget those Tayvees, I just want a shot at those
dirty Sambos. I hate those f?&$'in clowns" It was at this point
he went into a drunken rant about the quality of his HAHA squad
and how he missed out on Jordan by mere minutes to PCHS GM Dean
"Big Poppa" Smith.
Ruby Nickles GM Otis was unable to be reached for comment on the
loss, but it is rumored that most of his time recently has been
spent with both "fling-of-the-month" Betty White and a bottle
of grape MD 20/20.
|
Sambos'
Smith Responds to Brazinsky's Lambasting
by: PCHS-PigskinSquad |
Tuesday, October
5 1:45 PM PT
|
Santa Clara, CA (AP)- The circles under
Bravo Smith's eyes told the story this morning as reporters assembled
in the GM's office for his weekly Tuesday press conference. It
had been a sleepless night filled with questions for the FAFA
mastermind, after he watched helplessly as Doug Flutie and Roach's
Rednecks snatched victory from PCHS-PigskinSquad's grasp in the
eleventh hour on Monday night. But if that wasn't enough to put
Smith in a surly mood, the words of fellow GM Murray Brazinsky
were.
"Frankly, I don't know where this comes from," Smith shrugged
upon hearing Brazinsky's comments in regards to the Sambos being
"f---ing clowns" and referring to PCHS as "once might (sic)".
"That's typical of Murray, though," Smith continued. "Sure, he
found some good fortune with Biakabutuka, but does he realize
Brian Griese is still his number one quarterback? I understand
that Murray's feelings of frustration and inadequecy have no doubt
manifested themselves into some sort of imagined contempt for
a class organization such as PCHS, but he has to get over the
fact that he is raising my child, bite his lip, keep his mouth
shut, and take the ass-whippin' that the Pimps, Chimps and Happy
Sambos are gonna lay on his boys in a few short weeks. That's
when Daddy's coming home."
And about the heartbreaking 59-57 loss?
"Disappointing, of course. Our backfield was a complete no-show.
We obviously have a lot of adjustments to make before we head
to Columbus," Smith said in reference to next week's showdown
with 2-2 Pouchmouse, U.S.A.- a game already being dubbed "World
War I- The Game to End All Games".
|
Pouch Mouse
USA GM: "WHO am I playing next week???"
by: Pouch Mouse USA |
Wednesday, October
6 8:05 PM PT
|
DUBLIN, OH (JD)- Sitting in utter disbelief
as he pounded another nail into the two-by-four, Pouch Mouse GM
LG was cautious as he broached the subject of facing the perennially-well-coached
PCHS-Pigskin Squad. "23 moves so far this year, and a two-and-two
record to boot...guess he's the hardest-workin' GM in the league,"
LG said in praise of his fellow FAFA owner. This rivalry dates
back years, and as another GM once put it, "the only blood that
keeps these brothers apart is the stain LG left on Poppa's shirt."
Taking his tool-belt off and wiping the sweat off his brow, LG
admired his work-in-progress and spouted, "Pops will try to lull
you to sleep, and then, pow, he'll throw a Kevin Johnson on yo
ass."
As he neared completion of his current project, LG could only
marvel at the joy he'd feel once he finished his work of art and
stuffed old Big Poppa in it. The aquapipe smoldering and eazy-e
a'braggin, a swagger tilted LG toward a more confident pitch.
"I'll call it 'The LAMPSHADE DOGHOUSE', and punish him for his
ingenuity in creation of a team-name for the world-renown Funny-Ass
Football Association." That shystin' joker-grin was stained on
his face as he continued, "Now rivaling Murray is one thing, but
sinking below him is another."
This reporter would take that as an outward call to arms. Or more
nascently, bulletin-board talk. But does the PCHS-Pigskin Squad
have what it takes to overcome the Mice from Pouchville? Sunday
will tell the story, likely one that will be told for the ages.
Longtime Wood County run-about Stinky Marino Schneider summed
it up best:
"Stay tuned, muther-fuckers, it's gonna be a blood-bath at the
SamboDome."
|
PCHS/Pouch
Mouse Game Centerpiece Of Gay Pride Weekend
by: Very Large Men |
Thursday, October
7 9:37 AM PT
|
COLUMBUS, Oct. 7 -- This week's gay
pride celebration in Columbus is to culminate with the much anticipated
FAFA showdown between heated rivals Pouch Mouse USA and the Pimps,
Chimps and Happy Sambos. Festivities will begin early with an
11:00 AM charity "tailgate" party, sponsored by KY Jelly; proceeds
from which will go to the Rock Hudson Foundation. Also, there
will be a special halftime extravaganza featuring comedian Rip
Taylor, RuPaul, and 75 Barbara Streisand impersonators.
Team GM's Dean "Bravo" Smith and LG are expected to take part
in the celebration by leading the crowd during the singing of
the Weather Girls early 80's classic, "It's Raining Men."
|
Sambos
Touch Down in Mouseville- More Touchdowns Promised
by: PCHS-PigskinSquad |
Thursday, October
7 4:35 PM PT
|
Columbus, OH- The PCHS-PigskinSquad
team jet AeroPimp 1 arrived in Columbus earlier today and was
greeted by a sea of reporters, fans, a high school marching band,
and high-octane elementary tumbing act "The Conneaut Fireballs".
This weekend's Sambos/Pouchmouse, U.S.A. clash has everyone in
the state- nay, the country- in a frenzy of anticipation for what
appears to be shaping up as the biggest sporting extravaganza
this planet has ever seen. Amidst all the excitement, Sambo GM
Bravo Smith stressed the importance of keeping one's focus.
"We are going to do things around here the same as we do every
week. Of course, there will be some distractions. This is a big
week for all of us. For instance, instead of hitting the bars
after practice today, Alstott and I have to meet with (Pouchmouse
GM Mark) LG and his center for some kind of halftime dance rehersal."
When pressed for more details pertaining to his involvment in
the halftime festivities, Smith appeared unaware of any. "I don't
know what they have in mind for us. I am doing this as a favor
to a good friend of mine, fellow GM "Jhames" Smith. I usually
make it a policy of mine not to dance in public, but he pleaded
with me, telling me it was a cause he truly believed in and felt
close to. He wouldn't elaborate on what the cause was, but he
promised it would be "divine", so I finally agreed. My only hope
is that I can hold my own on stage with "L.G." If I'm not mistaken,
we called him "Tinkle-toes" until he was 18."
Tomorrow: Smith on "L.G.": Analyzing the Mind of a Dog House Building,
Peanut Shell Smoking Madman.
|
Mirer to
Start for Sambos This Weekend
by: PCHS-PigskinSquad |
Sunday, October
10 1:08 AM PT
|
Dublin, OH- Pouchmouse, U.S.A. will
hold a decisive edge at quarterback for the "Game of the Century",
as PCHS-PigskinSquad GM Bravo Smith announced today that he would
counter 'Mouse SuperQB Peyton Manning with Rick Mirer, who takes
the place of injured Steve Young.
"Sure, our offense has been suspect all year long and switching
quarterbacks every ten minutes doesn't help much... but I expect
our players to rise to the occasion this weekend. Look for our
wide receivers to do especially well this Sunday, and I believe
Alstott will have a big, big day," Smith told reporters outside
of The James "Buster" Douglas School for Boys, where he had been
conducting a lecture on the white man's perspective on the high-top
fade, and it's effects on urban trends in rural markets versus
inner-city, low-income markets.
"We had to press Rick into service this week when we could find
no one in this league willing to deal a quarterback. That's typical
of this group, though. Most of them fear the negotiating table
because they don't understand the art of the deal... they aren't
privy to the big picture and they fail to see the bottom line.
It's Week Five and there have been zero trades in the entire league,
but it's hard explaining to a fan that the reason we have to start
waiver wire retreads at quarterback is because getting any of
these tight-asses to pull the trigger on a deal is a lot like
trying to get all those screaming women to stop chasing our team
bus down the street- it's impossible," Smith explained when rumors
of Young being shopped to a few teams this week were addressed.
"Now if you gentlemen will excuse me, I have to put on a disc
golf clinic for my buddy "L.G." at Big Run today, for tomorrow
we will be enemies..."
|
Sambo GM:
"We'll See Them Again in the Playoffs..."
by: PCHS-PigskinSquad |
Tuesday, October
12 7:14 PM PT
|
Santa Clara, CA- Just a day after PCHS-PigskinSquad
dropped a tough 85-61 decision to archrival Pouch Mouse, USA,
Sambo GM Bravo Smith appeared surprisingly optimistic about the
rest of his team's schedule.
"My hat goes off to L.G. and the Mice," Smith seethed through
clenched teeth. "They did what they had to do to win- and that
is to play over their heads. But we'll see them again in the playoffs.
Then it's on. Naturally, we would have liked to have gotten a
little more from certain individuals this week, but those holes
will be filled in due time."
One of the "holes" Smith was obviously alluding to is at quarterback.
With Steve Young still shelved with head injuries, Rick Mirer
was handed the keys to the Sambo offensive machine, but could
never find the ignition. After stalling at a miserable 5 points
on a Monday night in which a superhuman 30 points could have won
the game, and a subpar 15 points could have won his job another
week, it looks like Mirer's performance won him a bus ticket home.
"It's time to put the Mirer experiment to bed and move on. We
have some big games coming up with the top three teams in the
league in a five game stretch. It's time to play giant killers.
There is no reason we can't win the rest of our games. I've talked
to "Snake" (Hall-of-Famer Kenny Stabler) and he's expressed interest
in making a comeback- at least until he eclipses Dan Fouts in
passing yards."
Unconfirmed reports from unreliable sources received in a back
alley maintain that Smith has been trying to get Fouts to come
out of retirement for months, but that he has been working out
with The Ruby Nickels for the past three weeks.
|
Men GM
Nixes Galloway Deal, Expects Return Soon
by: Very Large Men |
Wednesday, October
13 9:42 AM PT
|
NEW YORK CITY, October 13 -- League
GM's awoke this morning to deafening trade talk that had Very
Large Men GM, Jeremy "Yhames" Smith, turning down a deal that
would have sent season-long holdout Joey Galloway to an undisclosed
rival for an up-and-coming receiver. In light of these rumblings,
sources close to the VLM organization have confirmed that Mr.
Smith's refusal could very well signal Galloway's intention to
return to the field of battle in the near future.
Not that you're likely to hear such talk from the GM himself.
When confronted with these rumors this morning at the newly renovated
Russian Tea Room on 57th Street in Manhattan, the usually gregarious
Mr. Smith, flanked by TV's Olsen twins, was tight-lipped and seemingly
oblivious to the whole matter. "Even if I knew anything," stated
Mr. Smith, "I'd only be able to offer you guys a 'no comment,'
which is exactly what I'm saying right now. Still, he did let
on a little, by saying, "Just don't be surprised if the greedy
little bastard's back snagging touchdown passes in a couple of
weeks."
When prodded to disclose who he thinks would be adequate compensation
for the phenomenally talented receiver, Mr. Smith shot back with
the following suggestion: "Anyone who's likely to give it up on
the first date, 'cause I'm getting nowhere with these prudish
'Full House' skirts." Following this outburst, the enraged GM
chased the child stars into the trecherous 57th street traffic,
where they were struck, and killed, by a passing rickshaw.
The Olsen twins were 16.
|
Let the
War of Words Begin
by: The 19 cent team |
Monday, October
18 9:51 PM PT
|
For the second straight week the GM
of the PCHS Pigskin Squad has found it neccessary to offer an
array of injured players to the 19 Cent Team for a pair of marquee
players. It truly seems baffling to this reporter how someone
that harps about a lack of movement in trades through this season
expects something to happen by making ridiculous attempts at deals.
When interviewed for comment, the GM of the 19 Cent Team had this
to say.
"You know, there is obviously no love loss between myself and
the GM of the pigskin squad. We haven't liked each others presence
for a long time, and I don't expect things to change anytime soon.
Right now it appears he's looking for some way to try and get
the best of me. Here's a newsflash... It never has happened, and
it never will."
Obviously, from this reporters vantage point, it's going to be
quite a showdown this weekend.
|
Sambos'
GM Smith on Cheap Soda, the Playoffs, and Bosely.
by: PCHS-PigskinSquad |
Tuesday, October
19 2:51 PM PT
|
Santa Clara, CA-- For the third time
this year, 19 Cent Team GM Faygo Nagel made a jackass of himself
by going public with what he claims, are "ridiculous" trade proposals.
After two such attacks on GM Murray Beaverson of The Right Balls
(a small market team stuck in the lower division) already this
season, Nagel turned his nasally whine on upcoming opponents,
the famed PCHS-PigskinSquad Monday night. On this particular instance,
Nagel's logic dictated that because wide receiver Eric Moulds
and quarterback Steve Young were injured, the thought of trading
wide receiver Keyshawn Johnson and back-up quarterback Mark Brunell
for them was insulting. Nagel also made allusions to Johnson and
Brunell being the only "marquee" players involved in the deal-
an insinuation met with guffaws and underarm farting noises from
the assembled press.
Fresh off an upset victory over the then first-place Gil Gerards,
Sambo GM Bravo Smith was in high spirits throughout his Tuesday
afternoon press conference. When asked about The 19 Cent GM's
tirade, Smith simply rolled his eyes and addressed Nagel's comments
briefly before changing the subject back to defensive schemes,
special teams, and quality jack-off magazines.
"I'm flattered he's thought this much about me in the past five
years. I had practically forgotten who he was. Now I hear he's
been waiting for this game all season. Wow. It's true what they
say I guess, excellence breeds contemptment," Smith smiled wryly,
making NBC's Hannah Storm blush. "As far as the trade being one-sided?
Sure, in the short run. But how would that trade look when playoff
time rolls around? Are you telling me that Eric Moulds (last season's
AFC receiving leader) is not every bit as good as Johnson- who
has a quarterback who has a hard time getting him the ball, the
return of Wayne Chrebet, and a first-place schedule to contend
with- or, that Steve Young, who is annually Mr. Fantasy Football,
U.S.A., is not a better starting quarterback than Brunell is a
backup? I mean, who pulled this guy's string, anyway? For one,
it is unprofessional to broadcast confidential trade proposals
between teams around the league, but when you do make your business
public, to not say anything remotely intelligent or funny about
it is a downright sin. I think Faygo should take a page from (Very
Large GM) Jhames Smith's book and have a lucheon companion like
Tom Bosely around to keep him in check."
For 19 Cent fans, this weekend's game has been circled on their
calenders for months. It is being looked at as the one game they
need to validate their team's first-place ranking. For Pimps,
Chimps, and Happy Sambo fans, it has been circled on the calender
as a result of it being Beanie Baby Day at The Sambodome.
|
Contradictions
Aplenty from GM of the Sambos
by: The 19 cent team |
Wednesday, October
20 10:35 AM PT
|
Today, the ball was back in the court
of the 19 Cent Team, as the yammering from the GM of the PCHS-Pigskin
Squad finally ended. When reached for comment, Nagel had this
to say.
"The man appears to be a walking contradiction to me. Can you
make any sense out of his blathering?"
One can only assume he was speaking about the accusations of discussing
" confidential" trade talks in public.
"All that came from me was the fact that his attempts were rather
ridiculous. No names or anything like that. He outed himself there."
He then went on to say, "If Steve Young is annualy Mr. Fantasy
Football, then why not keep him? And as for the return of Chrebet,
that will just make Keyshawn better. Who is he trying to fool
here? I'll just end with this. For someone who hadn't thought
about me for 5 years, he sure had a lot to say. Don't you think?"
This reporter has to agree. I'm sure there will be more to come...
|
Gil Gerards
Ravaged by Injuries
by: The Gil Gerards |
Thursday, October
21 2:29 PM PT
|
Boston, MA—Coach Dodez finally came
out of hiding, after his team's humiliating loss to the PCHS-Pigskin
Squad. The Coach blames many of his team's woes on the loss of
his star running back, Terell Davis. "That one hurt," the coach
said to reporters Thursday. "Now with Shannon Sharpe hurt, along
with the bad performance this season so far of Natrone Means and
Sean Dawkins, we're a very crappy team right now."
Beacuse of all the injuries, The Gil Gerards didn't practice this
week, a may not again. Coach Dodez has forced the team to watch
Wings reruns, smoke joints, and masturbate. Asked why he thought
this would help the team the Coach replied: "Works for me. But
the main reason is that these pansy-ass momma boys would probably
get hurt if they hit anyone."
The Coach finished his interview by laughing at Napolean Kaufman,
who has been dropped and released from the team a dozen times.
"It makes me giggle," the Coach said as a reason why.
|
Up and
Comers
by: Ham and Creamsickles |
Thursday, October
21 3:10 PM PT
|
After three months of Two-a-days, my
team is starting to mesh. Also used for inspiration was a photo
of shark with his ben wa balls.
I suggest all you suckas who don''t know...better ax someone.
In honor of my victory I will change my team name.
|
Mouse GM:
"Nothing Right about those Balls"
by: Pouch Mouse USA |
Friday, October
22 12:20 PM PT
|
|
Columbus, Oh (RP) - GM "Sweet Love" had the Mice take Friday
off as they approached the weekend as a heavy favorite against
the Right Balls, who come into the game as 17-point underdogs.
"Now if my boys keep that Elmer's out their noses, we'll be
all right. My only concern is that McCaffrey kid of mine who
keeps a glowstick vigil in memory of Lucille and blames Dave
Stewart for her death. Kids these days..."
The Right Balls bring a fine corps of receivers, but it remains
to be seen if Mr. George can pick up the slack. According to
GM Murray, "I never met a back-up I didn't like."
The renewed feud between PCHS GM Bravo Smith and 19-Cent GM
Faygo Nagel has stirred up more bad blood than the Hatfield's
and McCoy's. More than a few GMs have snickered when talking
up the possibilities of a winner-takes all bout in Reno. The
book has the fight as a 'pick em', but we all know the pendulum
can swing to one's corner with more deadly verbal slingshots.
"Yeah, Bravo can kiss my ass, I know those fags out there in
the Bay say he can do it well," was Faygo's snipe at Papa at
a recent soccer match. Sweet Love dreamed on of promoting it
to Showtime.
"That would be a great fight. Lots of revenue, lots of asses
in the seats. But let's concentrate on the Mice, eh? Two great
wins over arch-rivals PCHS and the Gromits the last two weeks
and a tie for 3rd place. Scratch my ass and call me Louie if
we lose this week to the Balls. Anyone who starts Ricky Dudley
is one horse short of a full pull. Or whatever."
The Mice had a recent break Thursday evening, when the National
Guard that ain't hard came to the rescue of starting QB, Peyton
Manning. During a game of Ringers at the local carnival, Manning
was approached by a number of blue-tooked goons (one whom looked
a little like a mix of Guido and Bart and a kielbasa). The henchmen
threatened Manning with titan-itis, but he retreated safely
with the aid of the Guard,
|
Public
Letter from Balls GM Murray Brazinski
by: The Right Balls |
Friday, October
22 1:33 PM PT
|
Shark,
I'm only in this league to chew gum and kick ass and i've done
run out of gum. Look for the Randy Moss, Jeff George Combo to
run up and down your ass. With both my RB's starting and my full
WR's in effect the can't, make that will not be stopped. I've
been waiting for this a long time and its time the student became
the master. In fact Kid Rock said it best, "Shark you want my
balls in your mouth."
Sincerely,
Murray Brazinski
GM The Right Balls
|
Men GM
Clears Bench In Favor Of "Fair Play"
by: Very Large Men |
Friday, October
22 2:31 PM PT
|
NEW YORK CITY, October 22 -- In what
has been perceived as an odd move around the league, Very Large
Men GM Jeremy "Yhames" Smith opted to bench QB Neil O'Donnell
and RB Eddie George in favor of league riff-raff, Rick Mirer and
Warrick Dunn.
"I grew up in the era of Eli Joyce," emoted a teary and pantsless
Mr. Smith, "where fair play took precedence over the all important
'win, win, win.' I'm sending a message to the children of this
country, that even if you're a talentless , there'll always be
a place for you in the company of some Very Large Men."
Bizarre decision making aside, what concerned reporters most was
the eccentric GM's shunning of trousers. When prodded on this
issue, Mr. Smith replied, "it's a nice day. Why ruin it by donning
a confining pair of slacks?"
|
Balls worth
more than 19 cents
by: The Right Balls |
Tuesday, November
9 10:51 AM PT
|
| Bowling Green, Ohio - The look on the
face of Balls GM Murray Brazinsky told the entire story of the
day. "It was an amazing victory and the fact that earlier in the
week I benched my defense just realy lit a spark under our offenses
ass. I could not be happier rght now. I just hope we can get some
more things to go our way so we can make the playoffs." And wih
that the underrated GM was out the door.
|
PCHS Primed
for Playoff Run
by: PCHS-PigskinSquad |
Thursday, November
11 12:45 PM PT
|
Santa Clara, CA- PCHS GM Bravo Smith,
missing in action since The 19 Cent Team's stunning upset victory
over the Sambos two weeks ago, spoke to reporters today outside
the team's practice facility. He appeared upbeat after his team's
handling of the blackmetalics this last weekend.
"We had an exceptional workout today. We blared Lite FM over the
PA speakers and ran our offense against eleven pilons. We were
trying to simulate what it will be like for our players going
into Minuteman Field this weekend," Smith cracked. "If you ask
me, I think it is a joke that we have to play this game at all.
I'm going to petition the league to see if we can just mail this
one in.
"We've got six games left. I think we need to win five games to
get in the playoff- maybe four. That makes next week's game against
the Gromits that much more monumental. I think it's safe to say
that next week is our biggest game of the season."
Smith explained his two week disappearing act with two words (one
word and an anagram, actually): "HAHA business" and proudly announced
the acquisition of Patrick Ewing- who really puts the "chimp"
in Pimps, Chimps and Happy Sambos.
"I've been busy with PCHS-HoopSquad, but I'm back for the stretch
run. I have a lot of scouting to do. By the way, did anyone catch
the score of the Right Balls' last game?"
|
PCHS Overlooking
Balls?
by: The Right Balls |
Friday, November
19 11:52 AM PT
|
| Bowling Green, Ohio - Are the PCHS overlooking The
Right Balls? Some think so. PCHS GM Dean "Bravo" Smith Mentions
in his last article that his next big game is against the Gromits?
Has he forgotten that next week he is up against a much improved
Balls squad that is also primed for a playoff run? Balls GM Murray
"Playa Hatta" Brazinski had this to say "Its just another put
down by a talantless GM who talks alot of smack, but can't back
it up on the playing field. I welcome the challenge."
|
PCHS -
Very Large Men Game Under Protest
by: Very Large Men |
Wednesday, December
15 7:35 AM PT
|
| That field goal kicking mule was *not*
on the roster.
|
PCHS Win
Stands- VLM to Play in Motor City Bowl
by: PCHS-PigskinSquad |
Wednesday, December
15 3:53 PM PT
|
That was no mule. That was Brett Conway,
who is merely hung like a mule. Stay out of our locker room, would
ya buddy?
Good luck in securing that #6 seed, Very Large Men. You should
have no trouble with The Gromits. They haven't shown up to play
football in ten weeks.
It looks like PCHS-PigskinSquad will finish #4 and take on Pouch
Mouse, U.S.A. (who have looked extremely mortal the past few weeks).
The mayor of Samboville is anxious to make a wager of some kind
on that one with the prime minister of Pouch Mouse.
|
Who Knows
What May Come
by: The 19 cent team |
Thursday, December
16 10:52 PM PT
|
The possibilities are there. It could
be a final to end all finals in the opening year of FAFA. Could
it be the 19 Centers vs. PCHS in the game to end all? Only time,
and some sleepless nights will tell.
When reached for comment, the GM of the 19 Cent Team had this.
"I'm confident that my squad is ready for the upcoming weeks.
If we win out and the mayor of Samboville rings true with his
predictions, then all bets are off. I'm sure if it comes down
to that, we will definitely have some smack to talk. I'm getting
the team ready right now by sending them to Vegas for some champagne,
martini's, and cigars. And I'm sure they will have no trouble
finding some honey's wiht there personal escort, the one and only,
Richard Roundtree. We can only hope that some time with John Shaft
will loosen them up."
In saying this you could see a glint, check that, a Ron Jeremy
like aura of confidence, surronding Mr. RedPop.
I like my chances, what else can I say.
|
PCHS Headed
To Motown In Disgrace
by: Very Large Men |
Tuesday, December
21 8:56 AM PT
|
After following a very controversial
victory over the Very Large Men with a ignominious defeat at the
hands of the 6-9 Ruby Nickles, it appears that the PCHS Pigskin
Squad has a date in the Motor City with the Gromits for the title
of FAFA Also-Rans. On the plus side, the game is to be played
at the Pontiac Silverdome, which is nearby many of Dean "Bravo"
Smith's favorite crack houses. Rumors that he will be attending
the game with fellow freebasing enthusiast Lawrence Taylor remain
unfounded.
|
VERY LARGE
MEN, RIGHT BALLS IN FIRST ANNUAL FAFA BOWL
by: The Right Balls |
Tuesday, December
28 8:47 AM PT
|
Line
Right balls 6 1/2 over Very Large men
|
RIGHT BALLS
DOMINATE IN TAKING FAFA CROWN
by: The Right Balls |
Monday, January
3 3:31 AM PT
|
Bowling Green, OHIO (AP) The Balls from
the town of Right tonite walked away as FAFA Bowl Champions capping
an incredible season the daw the balls go from last to first.
It was after they waived long time fan favorites Trent Dilfer
and Bob Griese for the likeness of former child star Jeff George
that the balls really got moving. "I think it was destiny" quoted
an obviously intoxicated Balls GM Murray B. " To have our worst
offensive output for the year yet still win by 26 is amazing.
But what do you expect from a GM that traded away Tim Duncan for
lower priced Talent." (Editors note: HAHA GM Murray once traded
Tim D. for Garnett) "And George Lucas stole every idea I ever
had." Amd with that the wver entertaining Murray was out the door.
I like my coffee black
My beer cold
and my gays flaming.
|
Is this
league Y2K compliant?
by: PCHS-PigskinSquad |
Monday, January
3 4:39 PM PT
|
| I don't know about the rest of you, but
whenever I bring this site up, it tells me Murray won the league!
I think something has gone haywire down at Yahoo! I want my money
back...
|
Everyone
Hates A Sore Loser, But I Hate Losin'!
by: Very Large Men |
Tuesday, January
4 6:42 AM PT
|
Fucking Steve McNair gets benched after
the first quarter, and Eddie George is conserved for the playoffs.
I can handle the Rams defense not showing up, but the other stuff
just plain pisses me off.
The Title's yours, Murray! The Very Large Men just knelt down
and laid it at your feet.
|
league
title
by: The Right Balls |
Saturday, January
8 11:27 PM PT
|
| ah, this is why the fantasy super bowl
should be the week before the last week of the season. But, I'm
still the champion.
|
|
