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Highlights from the third season of the Funny-Ass Football Association

Pickled Milkmen to Defend FAFA Crown
by: Pickled Milkmen
Tuesday, August 28 2:09 PM PT
Charlotte, NC---Sitting alone in the locker room, GM Dodez makes a bold prediction: "I think we have a chance to repeat this year."

Though not unusual to hear that kind of talk from a defending champion, the situation for the Pickled Milkmen is different. With no returning starters (or backups) due to a terrible offseason that saw every single player leave because of free agency, the Milkmen really only have one advantage: Their enigmatic GM.

Without knowing his draft order, or even what players he will have on his team, GM Dodez still contends that the new look Milkmen will be the team to beat.

"Once we get a quarterback, some running backs, wide receivers, a tight end, kicker, and defense in here, I know we are going to be incredible. I even know the drills we are going to run and what the players are going to eat. Of course, the players will need to be fitted for uniforms first and shown which locker is theirs and then learn the playbook...but I'll be damned if I don't think we have the best team in the league."

And with that, Coach Dodez looked around the still empty locker room and grinned.

It was time for football season to begin...

email: Pipe Layers
Date: Aug 30, 2001

when on sharks green earth does this shit start rolling? i foresee total domination and destruction from the layers of pipe as Neil Gearhart reclaims the GM spot.

New sheriff in town
by: Implants
Tuesday, September 4 5:36 PM PT
Cleveland was awarded the bankrupt Miami Seahawks franchise of the All-America Football Conference. The Team was renamed Implants via a fan contest. Jeff Bart heads the purchasing group

No Niet for draft
by: Sloppy Joe's
Wednesday, September 5 2:10 PM PT
The fate of the Sloppy Joe's season rests solely in the hands of GM Niet Newlove's pre-draft rankings this year. Due to the ridiculously early draft time on a Wednesday, the GM will be unable to attend the draft. While he thinks this may constitute a case of collusion on the part of Pouch Mouse GM/Commish Randall Shark McDaniel, Niet says, "This is just another hurdle to jump in the world of the notorius Shark, I just hope he straightens up his act for the regular season."
For the rest of those GM's who work past 5:30...good luck and god-speed.

"Pipe-Layers announce huge plans"
by: Pipe Layers
Friday, September 7 12:33 PM PT
GM Neil Gearhart announces Friday early afternoon that he believes his free-agent moves will put the Pipe-Layers in contention for a vital victory in week one and put the balls in Murray's mouth. During the press conference held in the Xerox building dowtown Phoenix over a power lunch Gearhart also announces a threat to move the team back to the badlands of NW/Central Ohio or another location in the tri-state area to be disclosed later. He sees the failing economy and lay-offs at his biggest supporter Aerotek, Inc. as a huge deterrent to fan support. Gearhart would only further comment that a decision to move will happen no later than week 4. The job market he further added will depict where the Pipe-Layers will set up shop.

email: Very Large Men
Date: Sep 11, 2001

I live. Scariest day of my life, but I'm okay.

email: Right Balls
Date: Sep 11, 2001

i think faygo is being quite gay on this one...

email: 19-Cent Team
Date: Sep 16, 2001

I'm not the one who named my team after testicles Murray...

email: Right Balls
Date: Sep 16, 2001

i was wondering how long it would be till you replied. war balls

'Easy' Ed is out
by: Gary Colemans
Tuesday, September 11 6:03 AM PT
(AP) It is a somber day in the Coleman locker room today. Spiritual leader Ed McCaffrey has been lost for the season w/ a broken leg.
"I don't know how it happened. One second he is making a one-handed grab, the next his leg is flopping around like Patrick Ewings' man-meat in the Gold Club," Donovan McNabb was quoted as saying.
GM Regis made a futile attempt to pick up Ed's hand-picked back-up Eddie Kennison, but he was stolen by rival Sloppy Joe's. As Regis attempted to snag Eddie from waivers his internet errored out and shut down. Once logged back in Eddie was gone.
"It's all good though," said Regis, "last year we lost both Michael Westbrook and Joey Galloway and still came in second place. We'll find a way....we always do."

email: Salt Dogs
Date: Sep 12, 2001

well, this is probably the safest place in the country right now. either a) no terrorist has ever heard of Butte, MT b) taking out all 5 people in Butte is not worth their time c) when they fly over Butte and take a look at it, they may think that they already hit it....piece of shit town.

Sloppy Joe's look brilliant again!
by: Sloppy Joe's
Friday, September 14 12:12 PM PT
Bowling Green, OH (AP)- As he noted in the final round of the recent FAFA draft, Sloppy Joe's GM Niet Newlove feels that he has pulled off the steal of the draft. With the recent ruling by a league arbitrator allowing WR Terry Glenn to resume playing in week 5, the Joe's could become a threat by seasons end. "Along with our recent free agent acquisitions of Ty Detmer and Eddie Kennison, as well as the news on Terry Glenn, we feel our late season could be a positive one", claims Newlove.
With the addition of a decent running game, this could be a team to be reckoned with in the near future.

email: Right Balls
Date: Sep 19, 2001

now 3 of my top 5 players have a bye week. if not for the damn towel heads blowin up the wtc i would have been a full strength. So look out for quincy carter steamroller as it blows into your town.

Who Needs a running game or a QB?
by: Right Balls
Monday, September 24 9:34 PM PT
Bowling Green, Ohio (AP) How important is a quarterback? Or for that matter why would one need a running game. The Right Balls for sure don't need one as proven by there ass kicking of arch-rival pouch mouse. "Hell, who needs the towers when one has Bruce and Boston in the slots, hell, thats all yeah need." proclaimed Balls GM Murray B. "Bring 'em all on, shit I had 3 td's sittin' the bench, thats how confident I was, I might not play a QB at all the rest of the season, seein' that I don't really need one. By the way, I've sent Anthony "Root Beer" Wright to the Afgan Rebels to help our boys bring home the head of Osami, that son of a bitch is gonna be strung up at halftime of our homecoming game. And of course, i'm sparing no expense to make sure it's the grandest show of all time, with performances by N'SYNC and the New Kids on the Block, minus Donny as he's currently on the front lines in Germany with his new Band of Brothers." It sounds like a party to end all party's.

Too many teams, not enough time
by: 19 Cent Team
Tuesday, September 25 10:29 AM PT
The only drawback that I can see so far to this 16 team league is that we won't get to see another offensive show like the one the Salt Dogs and the Implants put on this week. Way to power your way through that win Bart.

Mice get sloppy against Joes
by: Pouch Mouse USA
Monday, October 1 11:44 AM PT
Davie, Fl (PMUSA) - Pouch Mouse USA coach/GM/owner Shark stormed off the field during the fourth quarter of their game against the lowly Sloppy Joes and was found banging his head against the lockers. A pair of needle-nose pliers and bloody teeth were found nearby, and he was screaming:

"C'mon Tyler, you wanna fight. Priest ain't nothin, Priest ain't nothin! C'mon Durden, don't be a pansy. Why! Why! Why...."

Apparently Shark decided to bench Priest Holmes in favor of Stephen Davis, just minutes before kickoff. Priest responded with a flurry of TDs, running with shades of the legendary two-step of Bronco Nagarski. Davis did not score, along with the rest of the Mouse squad. The Joes had pleaded with the Pouch for an extra RB, but the Mice said no and are licking their chops in anguish 'bout now.

Rumor has it that Shark will be replaced as coach for the remainder of the season, but retain his GM duties. Names on the short list include Scott "Chumlee" Young, the former lead singer of ska band "Madness", and middleweight champ Bernard "Rice and Beans" Hopkins. Word has also leaked that they have been trying to reach an agreement with former FAFA legend Nipsy Russell, but those rumors have gone unsubstaniated at this time.

None on the list were available for comment at time of press. Including Nipsy.

Beano insists it ain't over!!!!
by: Right Balls
Monday, October 1 7:40 PM PT
Times are tough in the land of Balls this season. Off to the worst start in franchise history and still looking for a running game It might be time to hang it up say some. But not to long-time Balls supporter Beano Cook it sure as heck ain't. "They might not be pretty on the field, but they got the best media buffet in FAFA, Blaarpp!" declared Beano on sunday. It is true that the steak and shrimp is a welcome surprise, as compared to the weiners and mac casserole served by the Beav.

"As the most popular franchise in all of FAFA history, we find it neccessary to put forth more effort in the little details then other teams." insisted Balls GM Murray B. And Beano couldn't agree more.

"Blaarp, they are a great franchise and I think they well...hey is that tuna melt? Excuse me, oh yeah, It ain't over"

Unfortunatly Beano did not make it to the tuna melt as he fainted from his necktie being tied way to tight.

Sloppy Joe's finding the special sauce
by: Sloppy Joe's
Tuesday, October 2 5:37 AM PT
Sloppy Joe's GM/coach/owner Niet Newlove is showing signs of calming down after his team's lambasting of the Pouch Mouse this week. "We finally have a running game, and our receiving corps is simply one of the best young crews in the league."

There seems to be less of pressing need for the Joe's to find that RB of fantasy dreams now that Pittman is no longer molesting his wife.

No more chance to rip off Gonzo or any of the other big boys from the Joe's anymore...wasted opportunites from the FAFA GM's.

Can Pounders end jink against Mouse?
by: Slam Pounders
Friday, October 5 8:34 AM PT
If there is a week when the Pounders can beat Pouch Mouse USA, this is it. GM Pounder keeps saying that to himself, and damnit I think he will finally break the most frustrating jink in fantasy sports history. While this writer can't find any proof, the streak of consecutive losses in fantasy sports could be years. Yes, years. Tired from coaching his fantasy baseball team to the championship round, GM Pounders will be taking the next 2 days to sleep and be re-freshed for year of FAFA. Always known as the best GM for evaluating fantasy sports talent, Pounders has never seem to cash in to win any league's championship. All can be changed and breaking this jink with fellow Mouse team will be a sure sign that this is the year of the FAFA Slam Pounders.

Sporting a 1-2 record in this young FAFA season, Shark Mouse team could be the worst talent that this master GM has ever put on a fantasy league. Strong words, maybe. But this Mouse team doesn't have a legit star throughout the roster. If his team does loss to the Pounders look for re-assembling of talent throughout his team. GM Murray and GM Faygo could be getting phone calls. While this is pure speculation, rumor has it GM Shark is offering 1st place prize cash to these 2 GMs for impact players. BABA league officals are currently conducting an investigation on whether GM Murray and GM Faygo have taken cash for their best baseball players. Phone lines have been tapped, emails have been taken from the GM Shark's inbox, and will be used in this investigation.

The 2001 FAFA season is long, but with a win over the Pouch Mouse USA squad this will put the Slam Pounders in good position.

This writer's predicted score:
Slam Pounders 72
Pouch Mouse USA 65

Smith: "94.2% Sure" He'll be Back
by: PCHS-PigskinSquad
Saturday, October 6 10:02 AM PT
San Jose, CA- PCHS-PigskinSquad GM/Owner Dean "Bravo" Smith is now "94.2 percent sure" that he will end his "semi-retirement" and return to the field this weekend. In a statement released by the team today, Smith announced that he had "an itch that needed scratching" and that he "still had something to give roto sports."

Smith had turned over operations of PCHS-DiamondBunch to Johnny Bench and the Famous Chicken in May. The move was a disastrous one, as Bench complained of not having Smith's internet passwords- which the baseball Hall-of-Famer claimed prevented any roster movement- and that the Chicken "acted too goofy... like f***ing Don Shields." Bench left last month to concentrate on his virtual waterseal spokesperson e-business. The Chicken was last seen at a child's birthday party six weeks ago in Provo, Utah.

Smith's announcement was hardly a shock as he had told sources close to him as late as last week that he was "about 91.8% sure" he'd return in time for the PigskinSquad-Pickled Milkmen game. Still, roto expert Morris Schneider maintains that Smith's near-decision is big news for PCHS fans.

"There is a huge, huge difference between 94.2 percent and 91.8 percent. If this scenario played itself out one hundred times, then he would NOT return roughly two and a half times MORE."

In an internet poll, 63.1% of the fans voted that they would be more likely to follow the FAFA more if Smith were to return, 24% voted they would follow it less, and 12.9% wrote in that Murray Beaverson's new HAHA team name should be either The Red-Headed Step-Children or The Swinging Dicks

NFL Star Thanks Jesus After Successful Double Homicide

      CHARLESTON, SC Washington Redskins defensive end D'Aundré Banks gave "all thanks and praise to my personal Lord and Savior Jesus Christ" Monday for giving him the strength he needed to fatally stab bouncer Isaac Edmonds and ex-girlfriend Pamela Hamilton outside a Charleston nightclub early Sunday morning.

Above: Redskins All-Pro D'Aundré Banks sacks an opponent during a 1999 game.

      "All glory to Jesus," the 25-year-old Banks, who attended the University of South Carolina, told reporters from his cell in the Charleston County Jail. "He is with me in this dark hour, as He was in our devastating 14-13 playoff loss to the Buccaneers. His love will see me through this."

      According to police reports, at approximately 2:30 a.m., a visibly intoxicated Banks became involved in an altercation with Edmonds regarding who would accompany Hamilton home. When Edmonds attempted to restrain Banks, the 288-pound devout Christian produced a knife and stabbed Edmonds and Hamilton repeatedly. He then fled to the home of girlfriend and Hooters waitress Lisa Nolan in nearby Summerville, where police arrested him several hours later.

      "First off, I'd like to say 'great job' to Isaac and Pamela, who put up a heck of a fight and have nothing to be ashamed of," Banks said. "They were terrific opponents, and it's too bad somebody had to lose a life. But the Lord Jesus Christ was truly with me Saturday night. He guided my hand when I was able to make that big hit on Isaac, and I really felt His presence when I stepped up and made that great slashing cut to bring Pamela down from behind."

      Added Banks: "Jesus really let me take this homicide to the next level. Thank you, Jesus!"

      Banks, who has been charged with two counts of first-degree murder, has been a devout born-again Christian ever since his hot-tub baptism at the hands of Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver and ordained minister Irving Fryar during Pro Bowl week in 1997.

      "I was a mess before Jesus took my hand," Banks said. "At South Carolina, I'd show up late to practice, stay out late running around with the wrong crowd, all kinds of bad things. I was about to squander the precious gift of football God blessed me with. But through His grace, I was drafted in the fourth round and sent to the NFL to meet Rev. Fryar, who showed me that Jesus wanted me to glorify Him and play on His team."

Above: Emergency personnel load one of Banks' victims into an ambulance.

      Continued Banks: "D'Aundré Banks' life would be nothing without Christ's faith. Without His peace and love, D'Aundré Banks never would have gotten his time in the 40 down to 4.6 for the 1995 NFL scouting combines, and he never would have had the strength to turn a big guy like Isaac Edmonds around with just one arm and stab him."

      Jeff Rosenzweig, Banks' Miami-based agent and manager, said his client has been unfairly represented by the media in its coverage of the double homicide.

      "All the papers are branding D'Aundré a murderer, as if that's all there is to him," Rosenzweig said. "But in their mad rush to demonize D'Aundré, they neglect to mention his deep dedication to the D'Aundré Banks Helps Kids Tackle Drugs For A Loss Foundation and the Big 98 Safety In The End Zone Safe House For Women. Or, for that matter, that he acknowledges the workings of Christ in his everyday life. No, you don't see any of those things mentioned in the articles about him. It's all 'homicide this' and 'seven-inch stab wound that.'"

      Banks, whose preliminary hearing is scheduled for Feb. 22 in Charleston County Court, said his fate is in Christ's hands.

      "I don't know what will happen to me. That's up to the Lord," Banks said. "The Bible tells us that nothing is done on this Earth but that is done through God. No multimillion-dollar contract extension, no game-saving interception, no acquittal on both counts of first-degree murder happens without Him."

(from, 10-26-01)

how do I do it?
by: Implants
Tuesday, October 9 2:12 PM PT
I'm like Rudy.

running backs
by: Pipe Layers
Wednesday, October 10 9:47 AM PT
From parts unknown GM Gearhart makes a plea as he hides in seclusion from restless PipeLayer fans to find a respectable running back. A source close to team officials believe if a running back is not signed in the upcoming week Gearhart may be fired and replaced by rival F.L. Main.

Mice will nibble on the Cheddar
by: Pouch Mouse USA
Saturday, October 20 10:32 AM PT
Not since the great cookie dough war of '82 has the world seen a rivalry such as this. The despised Mice from Pouch take on the fan favorites from Sheboygan, the Cheddar-Best in this week's premier matchup.

Long-time friend of both and Nickname Guru JB Craws (of Gearhart Plumbing and Pipe Laying fame) captured the importance of the game in one simple beat, "If Mabes is gonna get schtooked tonight, he's gonna need an unfalcon believable game against Sneek's and his Mice."

Craws went on to add, "If L'Oreal is prestigous enough to be a facilitator in the Kingdom of the Bear, he's gotta roll with Nino Brown and his Pounders. Bravo is currently the King of a lavish Kingdom of the Bear in San Jose, and hater of the Carrot-top. That red-headed, buck-tooth faced, bike short wearin', abused as a child, cheap moustache wearing, small dick housin' beat it, cause' your wife cheated on ya, discriminator of fat people, Frushour blowin', Tracy ass kissin', Dickinson hating, and all around dickhead Kenwood facilitator....Gotta ramble to THO-Mas [blunts] Clin'ards. OUT!"

Alas, one commentator went so far as to bet his third child on the Mice, even throwing in his 1975 Merlin Olsen WonderBread collector's cards too.

Danny Sheridan favors the Mice by 14 1/2.

Pounders call up practice squad against Joe's
by: Slam Pounders
Thursday, October 25 2:49 PM PT
Even though his team is off to its best start even at 5-1, the Slam Pounders made a surpising move by calling up their practice squad to face a struggling Sloppy Joes franchise.

For reasons unknown, the Pounders GM decided to bench starter Brett Farve and replace him with Rob Johnson. Also they have decided to rest Marshall Faulk and his ailing knee and replace him with the man who is only wanted to be known as "Trung."

The moves don't stop there. Skilled GM Slam decided to activate and start rookie WR David Terrell and pick up a nobody named Randy Jordan and start him. When asked why all the moves and during this week, Pounders said "it is a favor to fellow GM Niet. He has been so nice to me for years, why not give him a chance to make the playoffs. Hell, I remember when we were back in college and I was in the passenger side of his car thinking that we were going to run off the road and hit muliple trees. I still laugh about that moment."

For whatever reason, GM Slam is confident about his team and maybe his players will respond to the call ups. Then again, he could be resting his team for the matchup of the year against the Implants next weekend.

Joe's "insulted" by Pounder comments.
by: Sloppy Joe's
Friday, October 26 7:48 AM PT
Taking a page from the book of ex-HAHA GM James Nester, Dave "Slam" Duncan has sunk to the level of cheapest GM in the league. With comments concerning the Joe's franchise that hit below the belt, Sloppy RB Jamel White had the following to say, "Shit dog, I's in the lineup dis week an I ain even gonna play, just ta show dat muthafucka what kinda bitch he is!" GM Niet Newlove had this to say, "The Pounder claims to play a "no-name" in Randy Jordan, well you just take a look at the most random squad of gypsies in the league as they stomp all over your ass this week. We pride ourselves in over-achieving, and that is what we will do again this week, with one RB." Unfortunately, another bitter rivalry seems to be forming in the once kinder FAFA league.

Gary Colemans' GM Regis appears on Up Close w/ Gary Miller
by: Gary Colemans
Tuesday, October 30 2:01 PM PT
Miller: You must be feeling pretty good w/ your team riding a 4 game winning streak?
Regis: I'm feeling great. Watching the amazing comeback this week really put a tickle in my yam sack. The guys are really coming together. Our defense has been stellar.
Miller: The play from your RBs has been solid in recent weeks.
Regis: One word....'Da Bus'.....guess that's two words. Bettis has been the heart and soul of the squad the past 2 years. He's racking yardage like Andruw Jones racks up BJs at the Gold Club.
Miller: Right.....Were you surprised that you were able to land Bettis again this year?
Regis: I was a little surprised. He was very high on our draft chart, but I couldn't take him w/ the 1st or 2nd round pick. We couldn't pass up Owens and McNabb with those 2 picks, but when he fell to us at 41 we were ecstatic.
Miller: Rumor has it that you were mocked and ridiculed for taking him that high.
Regis: True, true. He had an excellent workout for us and the other GMs just didn't believe in his ability like we did. They did mock me and they did laugh, but who's laughing now? How you like me now biatches!?!?!?! UH!!!!!! Second place, whores!!!!!!!
Miller: I see....well you seem confident in your teams' abilities?
Regis: This team is coming together like no other team that I've had the pleasure of being associated with. We have had fairly solid QB play w/ McNabb and Weinke, a tight running game w/ Bettis, Henry and Alstott; Owens, Ward and McCardell at receiver. And that D....that tenacious D. We're shutting people down w/ our 'bitch-slap that ho, take-no-shit-no-mo, base Three-Fo', biatch!!!!
Miller: You seem to like reference 'whores' and 'biatches'?
Regis: We'll I'm not from the 'hood' per se, but when you hang around our team namesake enough, Mr. Coleman himself, you begin to pick up on some of his jibber-jabber.
Miller: Now that sounds a little more like Mr. T than Gary Coleman?
Regis: Yeah, well, Gary and 'T' are tight. Gary even shaved his 'fro into the classic Mr. T mohawk. 'T' calls him 'Minnie-T'. They're so cute together.
Miller: Sure I could see that. I want to do a word association with you
Regis: Okay.
Miller: Commissioner Shark.
Regis: Jobless whore who's working the unemployment line like it's his own personal sugar daddy.
Miller: GM Hortense.
Regis: Same as Shark.
Miller: Bravo.
Regis: Underrated.
Miller: Beav
Regis: Pimp. Don't count him out yet.
Miller: MadMex
Regis: Quality GM considering his situation. He's running the team out of his 2 bedroom apartment he shares with 3 brothers, 5 cousins, 12 children, his grandmother, 4 chickens, 2 donkeys and a goat.
Miller: Thanks for joining us today Regis.
Regis: Any time G-Money.
Miller: Join us tomorrow with guest Scottie Pippen. Scottie will talk about how MJ both created and destroyed his career. Goodnight.

Digimon Sweepstakes Winner
by: Pouch Mouse USA
Friday, November 2 7:54 PM PT
Rating the FAFA 16 down to the FAFA 1:

16. SaltDogs - Hortensity does not equal FishNuts
15. PCHS - used to be a CENTER. a CENTER!
14. Very Large Men - likes movies about gladiators
13. BEAV - rhymes with sleeve. what his daughter snots on.
12. Sloppy Joes - recently hired June Wang-Zhi for "administrative duties"
11. Right Balls - vasectomy was only for show; head of local adoption agency
10. Pickled Milkmen - still wears his varsity jacket
9. 19-Cent Team - collects aluminum-can tabs for respect
8. Pipe Layers - doesn't like to talk about the "bald-pony"
7. Pouch Mouse USA - sits in the front seat cuz he's good at sports
6. The Game - doesn't like to talk about the "bald-eagle"
5. Yogurt Slingers - dresses like Cher in private
4. Implants - spins yarns for unsuspecting bystanders
3. Cheddar-best - prefers kielbasa on a sunday
2. Gary Colemans - is really Todd Bridges in Columbus
1. Slam Pounders - Favre injured by his Breathe-Right nasal strip

Milkmen Sidewalk Sale (11/5/01-11/10/01)
by: Pickled Milkmen
Monday, November 5 12:30 PM PT
The Pickled Milkmen have announced that for this week only, everyone on their team is available for trade consideration. I will consider all offers. The Milkmen are looking for a WR and a RB.

Week 9 Preview
by: Pouch Mouse USA
Tuesday, November 6 6:13 PM PT
Looking ahead at Week 9:

* Pounders (6-2) look to dump the Game (4-4) in Camden. MadMex still speechless after 2 pt loss to Faygo in week 2.
* Cheddars bump up against arch-rival and childhood nemesis Sloppy Joes (4-4). Niet got Roy DQ'd on a foot-fault and took his gold medal in the long jump at the Kenwood Olympics.
* Implants try the BrownGannon against the RedPops (4-4). Faygo's 17 flavors mixed together are worse than suicide.
* Colemans lose to the Mice (5-3). Regis gets up close and personal with a Priest Holmes forearm to the skull.
* Yogurt try to sling off the Right Balls (3-5). Murray looking for the "Big Sprayback".
* Milkmen (3-5) defend their turf against the lowly SaltDogs (1-7). Cried Dodee "I wish I had a TD!"
* Pipe Layers (4-4) battle the Large Men (3-5) for playoff positioning. Craws wants to get schnooked.
* PCHS (2-6) and the Beav (2-6) battle for the coveted 15 slot in the standings. Papa Bravo and the Beav are caught playing online spades under assumed names "Larry" and "LapLizard"

4 games to go!
by: Pouch Mouse USA
Tuesday, November 13 12:38 PM PT
* Slam Pounders (7-2) vs Cheddar-Best (7-2)
Team with the hairiest legs wins

* Gary Colemans (7-2) vs SaltDogs (1-8)
Battle for OU Bobcat pride and a can of Slim Jims

* Yogurt Slingers (6-3) vs Sloppy Joes (4-5)
Joes beware: last time Slingers met a fellow from BG he left a smoking cigarette hanging from his behind

* Implants (6-3) vs The Game (4-5)
Bart tries to kick the taliban out of the Game

* Pouch Mouse USA (5-4) vs Very Large Men (3-6)
Mice win on forfeit as Large Men miss the game when their charter bus gets beached on the shores of Jamaica Bay as they refuse to fly out of NY

* 19-Cent Team (5-4) vs Beav (2-7)
Beav caught wearing an Ed "Too Tall" Jones skullcap to the grocery store.

* Pipe Layers (5-4) vs PCHS (3-6)
JB Crawdaddy versus the Kingdom of the Bear...he who laabs the most bravulous verbal wins

* Pickled Milkmen (4-5) vs Right Balls (3-6)
Dodee and Murray team up for a rap duet to honor the slain wife of Robert Blake

Painting the Playoff Picture
by: Pouch Mouse USA
Tuesday, November 20 6:20 AM PT
Where has all the smack gone this year? I guess 9-11 and TNN's cancellation of Doogie Howser really took it out of you guys. 3 games to go til the playoffs, it's gonna be a tight race. Word to the wise, most fantasy points breaks the ties.

1. Slam Pounders (8-2, 842fpts) vs Yogurt, Milkmen, Colemans at 19-11
2. Gary Colemans (8-2, 786) vs Balls, Joes, Pounders at 16-14
3. Yogurt Slingers (7-3, 820) vs Pounders, Game, Cheddar at 20-10
4. Cheddar-Best (7-3, 662) vs Game, Implants, Yogurt at 18-12
5. Implants (6-4, 554) vs Beav, Cheddar, Pipe at 15-15
6. The Game (5-5, 775) vs Cheddar, Yogurt, Milkmen at 20-10
7. 19-Cent Team (5-5, 671) vs Pipe, Pouch, SaltDogs at 11-19
8. Pouch Mouse (5-5, 664) vs PCHS, 19-Cent, Beav at 12-18
9. Pipe Layers (5-5, 599) vs 19-Cent, Beav, Implants at 14-16
10. Right Balls (4-6, 661) vs Colemans, VLM, PCHS at 16-14
11. Very Large Men (4-6, 660) vs SaltDogs, Balls, Joes at 9-21
12. PCHS (4-6, 636) vs Pouch, SaltDogs, Balls at 10-20
13. Pickled Milkmen (4-6, 632) vs Joes, Pounders, Game at 17-13
14. Sloppy Joes (4-6, 615) vs Milkmen, Colemans, VLM at 16-14
15. Beav (3-7, 771) vs Implants, Pipe, Pouch at 16-14
16. SaltDogs (1-9) - mathematically eliminated

Yogurt Slingers to move franchise again
by: Yogurt Slingers
Tuesday, November 20 8:04 AM PT
Bowling Green--(AP) Via fax earlier today, Aaron Kale, GM and president of the Yogurt Slingers, announced that the Slinger franchise will be moving an unprecedented fourth time this year to Columbus, Ohio. After beginning the season in Scottsdale, Arizona, moving to Austin, Texas a couple of weeks into the season and then moving operations back to Bowling Green, Ohio the team has plans in the making to move things down to the capital city of Ohio.
"Despite the points we put up on the board each and every week and the wins that have been coming along with those points, attendance is down this year. We are in need of a change of scenery. We will be playing the remainder of our home games in the backyard of Holtz's (Mike) lot."
Also of note, the Slingers will also be changing their uniforms with the move, making their 9th uniform change of the season. This weeks uniforms will be a "throwback replica" from their dismal days back in the first year of the franchise (2000).
"Looking ahead, I just hope that teams will be prepared for us. You look at some of the lopsided wins we have had this year and you just can't get people in the stands with the lack of competition. We are expected to win. We don't even get Summerall and Madden to announce our games anymore! In an attempt to keep the game close with the Slam Pounders, we have decided to give the weekend off to fantasy MVP, Curtis Martin."
Hopefully the Slam Pounders will respond, or perhaps another move for the nomads of FAFA will be in their near future.

He's at the 20, the 15, the 10...
by: Pouch Mouse USA
Tuesday, November 27 2:24 PM PT
And Ricky Williams scores for the Mice! 2 weeks to go boys, and the Pounders are just waiting for a way to lose this thing. On another note, rumors are circulating about "inverse contraction" for the FAFA next year, with an expansion of the player pool, divisions, and championship dollars at the same low, FAFA fee. Details forthcoming in a Selig-esque announcement immediately following the FAFA Bowl.

1. Slam Pounders (9-2, 927fpts) vs Milkmen, Colemans at 12-10
2. Gary Colemans (8-3, 851) vs Joes, Pounders at 14-8
3. Cheddar-Best (8-3, 735) vs Implants, Yogurt at 14-8
4. Yogurt Slingers (7-4, 892) vs Game, Cheddar at 13-9
5. Implants (7-4, 639) vs Cheddar, Pipe at 13-9
6. 19-Cent Team (6-5, 755) vs Pouch, SaltDogs at 7-15
7. The Game (5-6, 834) vs Yogurt, Milkmen at 11-11
8. Right Balls (5-6, 752) vs VLM, PCHS at 9-13
9. Pouch Mouse (5-6, 725) vs 19-Cent, Beav at 9-13
10. PCHS (5-6, 704) vs SaltDogs, Balls at 7-15
11. Sloppy Joes (5-6, 670) vs Colemans, VLM at 12-10
12. Pipe Layers (5-6, 647) vs Beav, Implants at 10-12
13. Very Large Men (4-7, 715) vs Balls, Joes at 10-12
14. Pickled Milkmen (4-7, 674) vs Pounders, Game at 14-8
15. Beav (3-8, 836) vs Pipe, Pouch at 10-12
16. SaltDogs (2-9) - eliminated

email: Pouch Mouse USA
Date: Dec 2, 2001

i'm expecting the 19-Cent Team to bench Ahman Green tomorrow night as a goodwill gesture, or you might find a hot dog in your hand next time i see you!

email: Pouch Mouse USA
Date: Dec 4, 2001

what we've all been waiting for; 7 teams battling for the final 3 slots in the last week of the regular season. may the Mice and the other best teams win.

1. Slam Pounders (10-2) clinched #1 seed
2. Yogurt Slingers (8-4, 970) clinched berth, vs Cheddar at 8-4
3. Gary Colemans (8-4, 930) clinched berth, vs Pounders at 10-2
4. Cheddar-Best (8-4, 785) clinched berth, vs Yogurt at 8-4
5. Implants (8-4, 727) clinched berth, vs Pipe at 5-7

6. Right Balls (6-6, 837) vs PCHS at 5-7
7. 19-Cent Team (6-6, 812) vs SaltDogs at 3-9
8. Pouch Mouse (6-6, 788) vs Beav at 4-8
9. Sloppy Joes (6-6, 750) vs VLM at 4-8
10. The Game (5-7, 902) vs Milkmen at 4-8
11. PCHS (5-7, 746) vs Balls at 6-6
12. Pipe Layers (5-7, 706) vs Implants at 8-4

13. Beav (4-8) - eliminated
14. Very Large Men (4-8) - eliminated
15. Pickled Milkmen (4-8) - eliminated
16. SaltDogs (3-9) - eliminated

email: Slam Pounders
Date: Dec 6, 2001

I was just a little worried that I might lose the first playoff game to the Right Balls or 19 Cent Team and get screwed. Notice that I didn't mention your team, shark. No worries about your team. Bunch of underachievers. Of course that $300 is not really $300 because some of you clowns have not paid yet! Bump up their dues and throw it in the pot.

email: Pouch Mouse USA
Date: Dec 6, 2001

calm it hounder! the last two years i've won the regular season, only to get punked in the playoffs. this year will be the exact opposite. i'ma pull a Dodez on you and take my 8th place Mice and run the ball to a championship.

the mice are indeed a bunch of underachievers...that's bound to change come the playoffs...we're longggg overdue...they just need to score! look at that backfield: R Williams, P Holmes, S Davis, T Owens. DYNOMITE! check it: mice score 63 points last week without scoring or passing for a TD! that's been the same old song every week, and i hate to be the jigga playing me in Round 1.

cheese me,
king mouse

email: Right Balls
Date: Dec 14, 2001

So some guy says takeo spikes is about as good as ray lewis? why would anyone be upset about that? I'm just confused. The guy didn't say Ray you suck, he just said some other guys really good. I don't know why the murderer is pissed, and i don't know why its a lead story on ESPNEWS. anybody fill me in?

email: Gary Colemans
Date: Dec 14, 2001

Basically Ray Lewis is a big pile of sh*t and my Pittsburgh Steelers are going to wail on those Baltimore B*astards this weekend. He's scared and he has nothing else to get him pumped up except some misinterpreted comment by Bettis. He should be sitting in jail rotting away getting butt-humped by O.J. Screw Lewis, screw Sharpe and screw that fat tub of sh*t Siragusa. Telling Raven fans to jump Steeler fans in the bathroom. Absurd. I hope that b*stard gets a good helmet-to-nuts this weekend. Peace, I'm out. Regis GO STEELERS!!!!

email: Cheddar-Best
Date: Dec 14, 2001

regis, you like the steelers? i like the steelers! you wanna go out sometime?

Pounders sucks
by: Sloppy Joe's
Tuesday, December 18 5:39 AM PT
Hey pounder, since you have decided to continuously piss and moan about deserving moola for your regular season title, then proceeding to bitch prematurely about losing to shark, I hope you lose by 40 points in your next game. Quit crying slammer, you suck.

Even # seeds
by: Gary Colemans
Tuesday, December 18 6:05 AM PT
Really sucks to be an even numbered seed this year.
#'s 2, 4, 6, 8 lost while the odd-balls 1, 3, 5, 7 won. F'n bastards.
Just an observation.

Well at least I have the Steelers to keep me going.
...I got a feeling.....Pittsburgh's going to the Super Bowl....
See you in New Orleans!!!!!!

Who ya gonna call?
by: Pouch Mouse USA
Tuesday, December 18 4:34 PM PT
Who ya gonna call?

At least that's what a local auto dealer expects.

No, Slam is not giving me buck naked massages for my benching of Ricky Williams on the final Saints drive. He's giving holiday head for the next three seasons.

Good to see some smack fly, even by a non-playoff team. Thanks, Niet, keep up the good work.

Now that the even-stevens lost in the first round, how do you predict the second round, Gary Coleman? i say the body parts lose (bye bye Implants and Right Balls).

I should have not started MarTay Jenkins like I was going to, but forgot there were Saturday games til it was too late. You can't argue with that best name.

John Rocker is a Ranger...why wasn't he down there in the first place? Is the state big enough for Him, Carl Everett, ARod, Bobby Knight, and Hank Hill? Ask Boomhauer...

email: Slam Pounders
Date: Jan 3, 2002

I'm back from my free vacation, thanks to FAFA and my first championship played in that great city of Cleveland, Ohio. I had the option of deciding where I wanted to coach and have my players play the "Super Bowl" of FAFA. What a better place to win than in Cleveland, since I am so liked by those Browns/Indian fans! This photo was taken as me and my team left the field, taunting and congratulating all you Cleveland fans! Rumor has it Andy Newlove was right behind this person.

O-slama Been HounderO-Slama

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