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Message Board

2000

Highlights from the second season of the Funny-Ass Football Association

what the...
by: Cheddar-Best
Wednesday, August 30 7:09 PM PT
who lays claim to the salt dogs?
beware the cheddar-BEST in week 1.
why don't ya got your e-mail public?

Cheddar-WORST
by: Sloppy Joes
Thursday, August 31 1:39 PM PT
had to say it, but you best believe the sloppy joes is sometin to be reckoned with. Pickle spears and stinkin diapers aint a damn thang...out

Cheddar-Weenie
by: Salt Dogs
Friday, September 1 8:13 AM PT
SaltDogs would be me...Salty Hortense the Magnificent. Personal e-mail is listed on the coached page. Oh....I'm not hiding, you're just not looking hard enough.

Kiper: "Why Play the Season? Send Trophy to Samboville"
by: PCHS-PigskinSquad
Friday, September 1 5:29 PM PT
Santa Clara, CA- PCHS-PigskinSquad GM Bravo Smith was all smiles Friday morning as his team, overwhelming favorites to win the FAFA league championship, concluded their final work-out before Sunday's opener versus newcomers The Yogurt Slingers. Of course, Smith had a lot to smile about. Hours before, upon securing the rights to strong-armed quarterback Steve Beuerlein for a second consecutive season, the storied Pimps, Chimps and Happy Sambo family had put themselves into position to run the table, drafting fantasy studs Keyshawn Johnson, Wesley Walls and Tyrone Wheatley to compliment Beuerlein.

"This is the most talent we've had in Samboville for some time," Smith gushed to reporters outside the team's practice facility. "Last season it was purely my genius which kept us not only afloat, but contenders. Now that Steve (Beuerlein) has had a year to learn our complex system and we've gotten him some people to throw to, we are ready to take it to the next level. Anything short of the Randall Cup and a tidy cash prize will be a huge disappointment."

ESPN analysts Mel Kiper, Jr. and John Clayton seemed to agree wholeheartedly during the taping of the annual "FAFA Pre-Season Beach Party".

"Christ... I might as well mail my weekly predictions in right now... PCHS by twenty, PCHS by thirty, PCHS by fifty..." Clayton chuckled in between taking body shots off members of the PCHS-PigskinSquad dance team, Junk N Da Trunk.

Kiper and fellow Dallas Cowboy butt-sniffer, HAHA GM Morris Schneider, celebrity guests in the dunk tank, conceded Clayton was right.

"Why even play the season?" Kiper moaned. "Send the trophy to Samboville right now!"

The Right Balls looking past the implants?
by: Right Balls
Sunday, September 3 9:57 AM PT
Bowling Green, Ohio (AP) Are the Right Balls looking past the Implants. Balls Coach Murray Brazinski thinks they migh be "and rightly so, the Implants are the Clippers of the FAFA. Drafting the St. Louis Defense with the 6th overall pick just made it more clear. What I'm really worried about is that 2nd week matchup against the Game. Now thats a solid squad." Murray later had a few words for both arch rivals Very Large Men and PCHS. "Now those squads are real jokes. I'm not sure whats been going on in Samboville recently. First off GM Bravo has been getting vilified in HAHA for his constant talking the talk, but not walking the walk approach to GMing and now hes talking up his piss poor FAFA squad as the next champions. Get out of here. And The Large Men? lets not even talk about that joke of a squad." Murray than finished his ranting with a quick "RACK ME AND IM OUT" I am not sure what that meant.

the game is just that good.
by: The Game
Tuesday, September 5 7:32 AM PT
going into monday night the game was down. but like the true champ he is, comes from behind to pull out the victory. this should stifle the comments from the peanut gallery. this will show everyone the the game is just that damn good.

Melee erupts following Mouse loss to VLM
by: Pouch Mouse USA
Tuesday, September 5 7:53 AM PT
East Rutherford, NJ (AP) -- After suffering a heart breaking 57-52 loss to the Very Large Men, all hell broke loose in the Pouch Mouse locker room following the defeat. GM Mark "Sweet Luv" Holtz had to be escorted out by police, after a post-game tirade targeted at kicker John Carney that placed blame for the loss squarely on his shoulders.

"Zero fucking points. Garo Yepremian where are you??!! I mean, look at him," the incensed Mouse GM glared at him in the corner, "Powdering his nuts without even swinging that million-dollar leg of his? One of these days, POW, right in the kisser!" Sweet Luv grabbed a Bengay applicator and lunged after a stunned Carney, before being restrained by his limo driver, the lone surviving Malachi Brother, Rocco Malachi (the Count was electrocuted shortly after his duel with the Fonz, under suspicious circumstances as detectives found a hair-dryer in the bathroom stall where the Count was laid to rest).

Though the Mice never did attempt a field goal, the disappointment surrounding the loss stemmed to last year's upset at the hands of the VLM in the FAFA playoffs. While Sweet Luv blamed Carney, most tears were shed when Marshall Faulk stepped out of bounds at the 1-yard line, which cost the Mice the six points that would have guaranteed victory.

"The Mice will return! You can't get away with this! I am the King of Suede!" a delirious Sweet Luv shouted as one of New Jersey's finest ducked his head into the back seat of the squad car. No charges were filed against the GM at the time of this writing.

(editor's note: Carney was released immediately after the skirmish, and issued no comment on the incident)

win a trip to orlando!
by: Cheddar-Best
Wednesday, September 6 2:58 PM PT
That's right,
for the right price you can take a ride on Orlando Gary's
locomotion of love. Throw him in your lineup week end and week out, kick your feet up, and enjoy the ride.
This ride isn't for free though.
Please make your best plea.
(Only serious offers will be considered)

Orlando Gary?
by: Pickled Milkmen
Thursday, September 7 6:06 AM PT
How much, exactly, do you think a running back out for the season is worth?

I'll give you the lint in my pocket for him...

Sloppy Joe's looking at another easy ride on Sunday!
by: Sloppy Joes
Thursday, September 7 6:25 AM PT
That is right ladies and gentlemen, the newcomers to the FAFA family are far and away the strongest crew in the league. Sporting two recievers who will no doubt finish the season all-pro, and yet another who can sport the title of "greatest ever", you would think the rest of the squad would blow.

But then you peer down the lineup to see the best rusher in all of the land, Stephen Davis, aaahhh and we also have the rock-solid QB named Chris Chandler. I could go on and on, but cockiness will only carry a team so far, the rest will be decided on the field. Good luck to all, especially those facing me on a given sunday, you will need it.

Olandis Gary
by: Cheddar-Best
Thursday, September 7 3:05 PM PT
Cheddar-BEST is proud to say that we have traded Olandis Gary (just called him Orlando for fun) for a piece of lint.
Our congratulations go out to the proud new owner, the Pickled Milkmen. Although we hated to see him go, we think we got one hell of a deal.
(The lint best be in the mail)

Smith: "We're Obviously Not Very Good..."
by: PCHS-PigskinSquad
Friday, September 8 3:13 PM PT
All jokes aside... the PCHS-PigskinSquad cupboard is looking pretty bare this season. I'd like to hang onto Beuerlein, because he's my man and I'm a sentimental fool like that, but if things don't start looking decidedly better in the next few weeks, these jokers are all out the door.

I'm distraught.

The Right Balls eek out victory
by: Right Balls
Monday, September 11 1:58 AM PT
Bowling Green, Ohio (AP) The look on the face of Balls GM Murray Bozinsky can only be described in one word."Relief!" I was really worried about tonites matchup. The Game looked on paper to have me beat but I gotta say this team is on a mutha grabbin' mission this year. I am very happy to start off 2-0." Murray made sure to note that being undefeated while his team has greatly underachieved in both matchups really has to scare the rest of the league. He also made sure to note that he has switched to Rolling Rock over his usual Natty Light, because everyone wants to roll with rock. "It's for the ladies and I loves the ladies". Murray B went on to say "When my stars come around and start playing like they should, this team will steamroll over the rest of the league. Everybody better jump up on the boogie now 'cause we ain't sleepin' till Samboville."

Another Coleman lost
by: Gary Colemans
Tuesday, September 12 6:02 AM PT
Columbus, OH - The GM of The Gary Colemans sat in shock Tuesday morning when he read the news. For the second week in a row the Colemans lost another top receiver. As a result of a leg injury suffered in Sundays game, receiver Michael Westbrook has been lost for the year.
"What can you do? I will just have to play with the cards that I've been dealt. We've made some moves to replace these injured players, but only time will tell how it all pans out," said GM Regis D.
Joey Galloway was excited to hear the news.
"Thank the heavens above. I got so bored last week sitting alone on the sideline. Do know how hard it is to play checkers alone? There is no strategy involved. You always know what the next move is. It sucks. At least I have Mikey now."
After hearing this RB Edgerrin James immediately walked over to Galloway and slapped him across the face.
It's a been a somber day in the Coleman locker room.

Balls to test out Fred Beasley
by: Right Balls
Thursday, September 14 7:35 AM PT
Bowling Green, Ohio (AP) There's been some shaking up in the Balls locker room as of late. "We may be in 1st but thats no reason not to shake things up a bit. I'm just not happy with Dunn's performance out on the field the last 2 weeks. We're going to give Fred his shot, he deserves it, hes been eating up Warrick all week in practice. Plus he's one hell of a great guy to have in the locker room." Warrick was less than pleased with the news proclaiming "get me on the field or get me the hell out of Ballsville!" There has been many rumors of potential trades with both PCHS and Chedder best but neither can be confirmed at this time.

Sloppy Joe's living up to their name
by: Sloppy Joes
Thursday, September 14 10:12 AM PT
Bowling Green(OH)- After a rough weekend and a day off on Wednesday, the Joe's are trying to regroup for this week's battle on the field. After losing Qadry Ismail for a few weeks and the devastingly poor performance by their defense, it is time for a change. "We've gone out and picked up some new faces to spark things up in the locker room, if we go through another 20-some point week...well let's just say some faces will be leaving quickly." claimed GM Andy "Niet" Newlove. We'll see how things fair for the Joe's on Sunday, they still need a quality tight end, and the recieving corps is quite choppy as well. (AP)

the game is ready for implant
by: The Game
Saturday, September 16 10:47 AM PT
after a few moves on the roster this week, the game is ready to take out the implants and get himself back to a winning record. the game is going to show that the first week was not a hoax and the game is a real contender.

QB's For Sale
by: 19-Cent Team
Monday, September 18 8:58 AM PT
After a lackluster performance in week 3, The 19 Cent Team is looking to shake things up a but in their lineup. "We have three guys on this team that could start on most any squad and any of the three of them are on the trading block", GM Adam "Faygo" Nagel said on Monday. It isn't that they aren't performing either, just that we need to fill some other holes on this team. "I know the Very Large Men seem to be having some qb problems, but lets just see what kind of offers are out there."
"Right now though, we have to get ready to win this week and get back into the top of this league. We took a tough one from the pigskin squad last week, damn sambos, and I don't think the team rebounded from that heartbreaker. I know that I slipped into about three bottles of whiskey over the last week. Your not printing this right?"
Needless to say a victory is needed this week before Nagel's liver deteriorates completely, if it hasn't already.

Sloppy Joe's make a "Man-wich-ly" recovery
by: Sloppy Joes
Monday, September 18 11:29 AM PT
Thanks to a gritty performance by their D(albeit vs. the dirty Bung-holes), the Joe's are again on the winning track. With Stephen Davis still looking to smash the Cowboys D' to shreds, this is likely to become a 30+ point victory over the Sambos.

"I am happy with the recovery and spirit that my boys showed out there this week" crowed Andy "Niet" Newlove of his turnover causing Defense, "they put it all on the line and a few new guys stepped up big".

While Newlove does acknowledge the Sloppy Joe's continued search for a impact player at Tight End, he thinks that the impending return of one 'Q' Ismail can only help. (AP)

Right Balls move to 3-0, GM still uneasy
by: Right Balls
Monday, September 18 3:51 PM PT
Bowling Green, OH (AP) While the Right Balls continue to keep a lock on first place, this doesn't mean that GM Murray B is still pleased with his squad's performance. "I'd be lying if I said I was happy right now." This type of performance might be celebrated in places like Implant land and Samboville, but we are here to win championships and its just not getting done." declared Murray, speaking from Skybar over a rolling rock. " I hate to say this but we have got to make some changes. Dunn is back in the lineup due to a preplanned vacation by Smith. Him and Moss are heading down to Pouch Mouse to pick up some of the underage hookers that are a dime a dozen down there." Murray seemed hesitant to comment on his recent decision to bench Future hall-of-famer Bledsoe for Jeff Garcia. " It was a tough decision but it is something that had to be done. I will say that we are looking at any offers that may come our way for Drew, Randy and Dunn. But we always look at all offers anyway."

Mice get 1st win; Pounder caught with pants down
by: Pouch Mouse USA
Tuesday, September 19 12:25 PM PT
Chicago, IL (AP) -- Pouch Mouse USA notched its first win of the season against the hapless Slam Pounders, 70-48. The loss was the Pounders seventh in a row, dating back to last season.

"Our boys played a hell of a game, and the future looks bright with the Pipe Layers on the horizon," GM Shark barked as his Mice got back on the winning track. "Gearhart should be ashamed, allowing Robster Craws to gain fame on his name without having the game. Two easy ones in a row. Beauty. I should comment more on this game, but what's the point?" as he walked away, carrying an autographed videotape of Bebe's Kids.

"One more thing, Murray best not be peddling his crippled tight end over this way. The Mice remember attempts at insult, and payback will come in Week 8, when I unveil my secret fantasy weapon - and it has nothing to do with Bravo and Madchen Amick," Shark shouted as he tossed his jersey at this reporter, walked down the tunnel, turned, winked and flashed a smile, with a cool, refreshing 7-Up in his hand.

In the losing locker room, GM Slam Duncan finally convinced the media why they call his team the Pounders. Assuming his door was shut, Slam went to work in a display that would have made even the Hedgehog blush. At least it wasn't Mopery.

Yogurt Slingers confident heading into the weekend
by: Yogurt Slingers
Tuesday, September 19 9:58 PM PT
Scottsdale, AZ- Heading into this weekends "showdown" with The Right Balls, Yogurt Slingers Coach/GM Aaron Kale was confident about his teams chances against the heavily favored Right Balls, "Quite frankly, I don't have a clue as to how these guys are undefeated. Hell, who have they played. I look at their roster and I find it comparable to the squad Denny Marquette has put on the field for BGHS, and those kids are only teenagers. They're (the right balls) just that bad."
Kale's confidence was further noticed when it was later discovered that he gave the week off of practice to his entire team. "Practice? Why? I'd rather save the squad for the playoffs."
Enjoying the warm Arizona weather, a few rounds of golf in the morning, a pool in the afternoon, and the women of the Pac-10 at night, week four looks to be another "off" week for the Yogurt Slingers.

Dennis Miller shocked by recent comments by Yogurt
by: Right Balls
Wednesday, September 20 8:50 AM PT
New York, NY (AP) Recent comments by Yogurt Slinger Aaron Kale have come to a surprise by many, most notably ABC Monday Night Football host Dennis Miller. "Talk about locker room fodder. Thats like Xi Ching Dong claiming the throne of Pi Ding, baby. I just don't get it. I just heard on the news the Tigris is calling out the Euphraties, man. Wild."I'm really looking forward to this contest like i'm looking forward to my next bowel movement. Understand" An equally stunned Balls GM Murray B was as stunned by Kale's comments as he was by Miller's." When I was told about Kale I shrugged it off as a rookie GM mistake, This coming from a squad coming off a big 34 point effort last week. When told about Millers comments, Murray replied "Huh?" This looks like this could be a battle for the ages.

Sloppy Joe's ready to spay "Saltdogs"
by: Sloppy Joes
Wednesday, September 20 9:19 AM PT
Bowling Green, OH.-- Coming off a week in which many problems were solved, the "Niet" Newlove-led Joe's are ready for more action this week. "We are definitely coming into our own as a team, I'd be surprised if we lost two more times this year" GM and Coach Andy Newlove confidently stated on Wednesday. "With the terrible team that the Dogs are sporting (sans Tim Couch of course), we should have a little less difficulty winning this week than we do wiping our own asses."

Strong words, maybe.....but with the talent assembled by this rookie GM, this writer has to agree. (AP)

PCHS Slaps Smith With "Zero Tolerance" Policy
by: PCHS-PigskinSquad
Wednesday, September 20 11:25 AM PT
Santa Clara, CA (AP)-- The board of trustees of PCHS, Inc., the fantasy sports giant which owns PCHS-PigskinSquad, issued a statement Wednesday morning reprimanding GM Dean "Bravo" Smith for behavior termed "boorish" and actions deemed "inappropriate" following last weekend's lackluster showing on the field, a 74-39 loss to The Sloppy Joes. The statement concluded with an ultimatum being sent: "The PCHS family will suffer Bravo's rambunctous tendencies no longer. From this day forward, a 'zero tolerance' policy will be in effect pertaining to Smith and his entire staff. Any violation of this policy will result in more reprimands."

The statement comes in the wake of Sloppy Joe GM Andy "Niet" Newlove's allegations that Smith menaced him as the two shook hands following last weekend's showdown.

"I simply said, 'Good game, Bravo' and he flew off the handle! He grabbed me by the arm and insisted I call him, 'Big Poppa.' Look, I've still got bruises," Newlove commented at Tuesday's Soggy Bun Boosters luncheon. He has since received numerous death threats and cards that express general ill-will.

"My grandson has done nothing wrong," Al Newlove, owner of the town of Bowling Green, Ohio, pleaded. "He is the victim here. Please, let the boy be. Take one of my other grandkids instead."

The board's statement garnered little support from thousands of PCHS faithful who took to the streets of downtown San Jose looting and rioting in protest.

"I've been a Pimps N Chimps fan my whole life," seven-year-old Tawana Jenkins cried as her father helped her torch a Newlove doll in effigy. "Bravo is all that AND a bag of chips. Shit..."

While wildy popular in Samboville, Smith has been at the center of his share of controversy in recent years. The embattled GM has traded dead players, verbally bullied fellow GMs, and is wanted in Columbus, Ohio for stuffing an off-duty Flounder into a trash can back in 1993.

PCHS GM Smith up to old tricks once again.
by: Sloppy Joes
Thursday, September 21 6:52 AM PT
Bowling Green, OH-- Sloppy Joe's GM Andy "Niet" Newlove had little to comment on Thursday morning after reading of the chain of events that took place in San Jose this past week. When told of young Tawanda Jenkins and her misguided antics he simply said, "It is typical of the seedy character and poor morals that one would associate with "Bravo" Smith. I am neither surprised nor dissapointed in the decision handed down by the PCHS trustees, it is the most common reaction to on-field embarresment."

Newlove did speak with auto-magnate and furious Falcon supporter Al(phonse) Smith, but only relayed to this reporter that he had once again been humiliated by his grandson. "He said that this ranks right up there with the eleventh grade pant-soiling that young Dean embarresed us all with on Christmas Eve, he was visibly shaken..."

Well, only time will tell if this is the beginning or the end to this saga of ill repute.(AP)

VLM GM Yhames Smith Baffles Reporters At Press Conference
by: Very Large Men
Thursday, September 21 10:22 AM PT
NEW YORK CITY, Sept. 21 -- Exhibiting behavior described later as "Rodman-esque," Very Large Men GM Jeremy "Yhames" Smith held court at a hastily called press conference today, the point of which is still largely unclear.

Flanked by a large entourage inexplicably consisting of girlfriend Julia Stiles and the kitchen staff from a midtown Ethiopian restaurant, Mr. Smith read a prepared statement that lurched from a tirade directed at his team's performance to excerpts from ex-President Chester A. Arthur's 1889 biography, "I Was President, Goddamnit!"

Speaking through tears in a hushed, often broken tenor, Smith hung his head low as he lashed out at the Very Large Men's 1-2 start.

"This ain't no way to win a championship," whimpered Smith. "If we lose this week to the Pounders, I'll move this team to Alsace-Lorraine." When informed that the territory, missing from world maps since the conclusion of World War I, no longer exists, Smith replied, "it's still there in my heart, and ain't none of you motherf*****s can take that away."

After the nearly two-hour conference concluded, many of the gathered reporters lingered in the ballroom of the Hilton to express their disbelief with each other over what they had just witnessed.

"Hands down, the most bizarre spectacle since The Right Balls won last year's FAFA Bowl," said New York Daily News' Mike Lupica, "but far more entertaining."

Calls to Mr. Smith's publicist went unreturned as of press time.

Help Me Help You...
by: PCHS-PigskinSquad
Tuesday, October 10 5:19 PM PT
To The Beav, The Game, The Sloppy Joes and the World Champion Right Balls:

I know you boys have a lot to think about this weekend, playing each other for the top and all, but I have to let it be known; if somebody doesn't deal me a servicable running back before Saturday, I'll be forced to roll over and allow The Pickled Milkmen to waltz to a 6-1 record as I will only be able to start one RB. I'm not asking for charity- I have much quality talent to swap you- just stating the reality of my (and your) situation.
Pitch me some offers, boys. I wanna be the spoiler of your dreams.

The Slingers file protest-plan to move franchise to Sydney
by: Yogurt Slingers
Tuesday, October 10 8:25 PM PT
Scottsdale, AZ- Upset and confused about the "questionable" trade that occurred "over/before/after" the weekend, Slingers GM/Owner has thought about the possibility of moving his team out of the league.
"I am not sure what has happened these past 24 hours. I looked at the score before I went to sleep last night and saw that the Slingers had posted an impressive victory of Cheddar-BEST. Then, tonight, as I was checking out to see where the victory put us in the standings I am told that "a trade" had occurred before the weekend?"
"I ain't no rocket scientist, but, through my grapevine, I understand that the GM of Cheddar-BEST is of some relation to the Commissioner, hmmmm."
"After putting much thought into this decision, I am in the works of possibly moving the team to Sydney, Australia. After watching the fairness and professionalism of how well the Olympic Games were run I think it would be an ideal place to have a franchise and a chance to win on an level and fair playing field. And besides, I got to find that Ian Thorpe guy, I think I could get him to play some receiver for the Slingers in the future."
It was also reported that when word of this trade got to the media, Dennis Miller was left speechless, marking the first time in his commentating career that he actually made sense to anyone else.

email: Right Balls
Date: Tue, 10 Oct 2000

I hate to say it but the right balls are going to dominate the beav next week and move back into first place. I must say im getting tired of these crappy ass'd squads talking about how great they are when they got 2 stars and a bunch of poppy crap. look for moss, garcia, smith, harris, and even peter warrick to all go off. if the balls don't score at least 100 pts. im taking the loss. (not really, but in my mind i'll feel it was a loss)

email: Gary Colemans
Date: Tue, 10 Oct 2000

Arnold Jackson predicts that the Beav will castrate the balls this weekend. That Beav is one tough snapper. Going into this weeks game I thought that the Beav was chicken...then I found out that they only tasted like chicken. The Beav will swallow up both the left and right balls if you're not careful (and watch that class ring...don't want to lose that!) Am I making sense here??? Beav by 12.43 points. Gary Coleman has spoken....long live Gary!!!

email: The Game
Date: Wed, 11 Oct 2000

beav is a fluke, he has gotten lucky on all 6 games. in fact when he decides to play a real challenge we will see how far he goes. abd the other 5-1 teams, its just a matter of time till i pull away. got that slappy. this weekend, clash of the titans, its going to be the most exciting week this year. and when its all said and done. everyone will know that i am the game and that i am just that damn good!

email: Right Balls
Date: Wed, 11 Oct 2000

The Sloppy's are tough. I say the point spread is 6 favoring Sloppy

Milkmen Files Suit Against League
by: Pickled Milkmen
Wednesday, October 11 6:24 AM PT
Charlotte, (NC)---Today the Pickled Milkmen filed suit against FAFA, claiming amongst other things "collusion", "phantom trading", and "forced salad tossing". GM Aaron Dodez says of the matter: "There seems to be some collusion going on with the teams in the FAFA league. In particular a number of the top teams as well as a few bottom-rung teams seem to be doing what it takes to stop us." When asked if he had a message for the other GMs in the league GM Dodez said: "F' all y'all. Switch."

Dodez is considering his legal options and whether to protest the season.

THE GAME LAUGHS AT THE ALLOGATIONS OF COLLUSION.
by: The Game
Wednesday, October 11 7:21 AM PT
memo from the desk of the gm of the game

" In regards to the recent charges of Phantom Trading or collusion, all i have to say is.... quit your damn crying. IF any of you would pull your balls out of your pocket and took a risk and made a big trade you might be 5 and 1 too. or at least challenging for the top playoff spot. It is not the games fault that the yahoo server sucks. Im my opinion, the owner of the league fixed the issue with the trade that went down on saturday. end of story. I have no ill will toward any of the gm's. in fact i offer a simple trade, take advantage of me. griese and whoever else for a wr of rb. The game plays by the rules here. We have no reason to cheat because, we are just that damn good."

The Milkmen laugh at the game's misspellings...
by: Pickled Milkmen
Wednesday, October 11 9:01 AM PT
GM Dodez replies to "the game": "I am 5-1. Blow me. Perhaps the game needs to stop talking and go to night classes. Or change his name to The Corkys. My comments about collusion were in regards to the PCHS-PigskinSquad trying to get a running back before our game and be 'the spoiler.' Perhaps the game's GM should also take some basic reading classes."

listen up slappy
by: The Game
Wednesday, October 11 9:15 AM PT
your post hardly references anyone, mostly it speaks about late phantom trades and whatnot. if i misspell a few words, so what, the point got across. the post wasnt supposed to come off attacking, it was just goofing around, poking a jab in there, gettin ya fired up but not mad. if you take the posts here seriously, your just plain sad. now i expect another attack on me. so milk, choke on that, prick.

the game...
by: Pickled Milkmen
Wednesday, October 11 9:37 AM PT
I was poking jabs at you as well. Talking shit as the kids call it. Retorting to your reply. Since you don't know me, you don't know my sense of humor. I'll lay off the personal attacks though if you wish, didn't think I'd upset you. But know that I take nothing seriously, so shut your cock garage...damn, there I go again.

Been in these leagues for a few years, and don't like everyone else having all the fun.

Now, let's let this matter rest...until Week 11. Hopefully, the standings will be the same by then.

its all cool now milk
by: The Game
Wednesday, October 11 12:13 PM PT
i guess the rookie fantasy player has finally shown through. we are hear to have fun. poke jabs and whatnot. i got too worked up, looking for a rb can do that to a man. anyway, its all water under the bridge milk, oh and i'll see you on dec 11th jerky.

The Kind of Stuff Ya Gotta Love
by: 19-Cent Team
Wednesday, October 11 12:31 PM PT
All of this banter back and forth, it's beautiful. Almost, but not quite reminiscent of the smack talk that went down a year ago between the ever popular 19 Cent and PCHS squads(but not quite). I haven't had much to talk about this year though with my piss poor squad, but a few deals here and there, a little winning streak thrown in the mix, and it's back to the good old days. Oh, and I throw down a personal guantlet to the GM of that shady Cheddar-WORST squad. One of us has to take the crown of Columbus this weekend, and it ain't gonna be you. My team of write offs and has beens are coming out fired up and looking for a Big Hunk O' to gnaw on. So just watch your step when you go to get in your car to drive off to wherever it is you may be going. When you hear that pop can top open, you best be takin' cover.

"Warner's goin down for the year" vows Sloppy Joe Defender
by: Sloppy Joes
Thursday, October 12 6:09 AM PT
Bowling Green, OH(AP)-- In what grossly resembles a "McSorley-esque" tactic, one Sloppy Joe was heard saying that newly-acquired Game QB Kurt Warner was "goin down" this week. DE Rodney "Mashed Potatoes" Miller vows that his teammates are out for blood on Sunday. "Not only will we hurt him, we are trying to snap a leg, break an arm in two, ya know...fuck him up."

In the face of these statements, first-year GM/Coach Andy "Niet" Newlove refused to add fuel to the fire, "As an organization, we have one goal...to win on Sundays. I feel that we have done a good job of it so far, and with our top squad on the field we can battle with anyone. We WILL beat the cheap Game and his pretty-boy QB, whether we break that faggits leg is yet to be seen. I don't care if he and Bruce light us up...as long as the final score has us on top."

It should be a good battle this weekend, and the upper-division of the FAFA league could have a whole new look on Monday.

BEST GM Speaks Out.
by: Cheddar-Best
Thursday, October 12 7:38 PM PT
(C-Bus, OH) Cheddar-BEST GM Roy Michaels broke his week long silence today after his allegedly "bogus" trade before last week's game against the Yogurt Slingers.

"I came here to talk about 2 things. First off, that trade last week was perfectly legit. I mean, what a sore loser that Kale kid is. He should stick to slingin' what he's best at slingin' if you get my drift. And the rest of you fucks need to stop your bitching too. The thought that it was rigged because my brother is the commish. Come on! Besides, its none of your damn business what my brother and I do behind closed doors."

"Next issue. Now that that ugly episode is behind us we can focus on the task at hand, winning the battle of C-Bus. Mr. Pop, with all due respect, ain't no team with a can of MoonMist as their mascot gonna beat the BEST. I got your Big Hunk O' Cheese, and its about to open up a 19 cent can of whup ass. I don't want to tell you how to run your team, but maybe its time to think about switching to the General's beloved Spartan Brand as your corporate sponsor. Just to be a sport, I'll have Linda Truddle stop by and give you a lap dance after the game."

Big words for a team that's 1-5. Should be a good show this weekend for the battle of the bottom feeders.

Slingers Looking for a running game
by: Yogurt Slingers
Friday, October 13 1:32 PM PT
Scottsdale, AZ-- Unable to develope a running game, Slingers GM Aaron Kale has made it apparent that everyone is "expendable".
"We have the passing game, we have the best receiving corps in the league, but without any form of a running attack, we haven't been able to win consistently, and that trend will continue until we come up with a quality RB."
"I have yet to make any contacts with any of the other GM's in the league of a possible trade, but I will be open to any offers and if I don't receive any, I might have to make a few calls within the next couple of days."
"As for the possible move to Sydney? Not this year, we will finish out the year the way we started, as the Scottsdale Yogurt Slingers."

The Game hanging on but doesnt look good.
by: The Game
Monday, October 16 4:10 AM PT
The clash of the titans is almost over. we saw the big bad beav, who didnt have a defence to play drop its first. The last of the undefeated. The game has a 4.3 pt lead going into monday night. when the game starts joe will jump out to a 5.6 pt lead. but as the titans score that lead will dwindle down. but with sacks and ints, the titans cannot make mistakes. basicly what The Game needs is a total route of jacksonville and no mistakes by the titans. without a doubt, the joes and game contest is the game of the week. after all is said and done, who will be number 1?

ACTUALLY I'LL TRADE HIM FOR A DICTIONARY, :)
by: The Game
Monday, October 16 11:35 AM PT
WILL TRADE GRIESE FOR A DICTIONARY

On the Edge of our Seats
by: 19-Cent Team
Monday, October 16 11:39 AM PT
Oh my god, it all comes down to tonight. Who will be atop this glorious league. We will all have to sit on the edge of our seats, routing for interceptions, or fumbles, or even blocked kicks. Maybe your posts are why no one wants Griese.

Speak the Truth
by: 19-Cent Team
Monday, October 16 9:33 PM PT
I thought you were willing to trade Griese for a dictionary. Apparently not. Moratorium on all transactions dealing with "The Shame".

After the dust clears, THE GAME just escapes defeat.
by: The Game
Tuesday, October 17 5:26 AM PT
Last night The Game sat on the edge of his seat watching his team hang on to win and take a part of 1st place in the division. This sets up the Big game next week as The Game faces off against Beav. Beav was leading till this week when the luck finally ran out and recieved his first defeat of the year. Can Beav rebound and take back the top spot alone or will The game Take full advantage of the letdown?

Sloppy Joe's reeling after defeat!
by: Sloppy Joes
Tuesday, October 17 2:11 PM PT
Bowling Green, OH (AP)-- Following a hard loss at the hands of the Game, Sloppy Joe GM Andy "Niet" Newlove made a few moves. Gone is the pitiful Jacksonville Defense that couldn't muster a lowsy 5 points to pull out the win. Also gone is Kerry Collins, the QB who could only manage 9 points, replacing him is dirty but strong statistically Cade McNown. "I will not stand by idolly and watch this team fall apart...if we can't regroup and beat the cheddar worst, then I don't think this team will be together much longer. The rest of the season is NOW, it is time for a big week"

The Game vs BEAV, only one of them can stay at the top.
by: The Game
Thursday, October 19 12:11 PM PT
Comming off an emotion filled week, the owner of The Game states that with the recent additions of a more solid and reliable recieving corp., BEAV can look forwad to its second consecutive loss this week. BEAV has to go without a tight end due to the limit of space on the roster. Meanwile The Game's kurt warner and issac bruse face a tough chiefs d. Are we looking at another close last secon win for the game or will beav prove that last week was a fluke. Either way we will be entertained this weekend.

Stop Your Jackass Posts, Please
by: 19-Cent Team
Thursday, October 19 8:27 PM PT
IF I have to read one more post about why whoever is playing the game doesn't have a fucking tight end this week or that it may come down to the goddamn wire, I'm going to send you a fucking virus, alright there chi chi. At least try to have some humor involved and talk a little smack sometimes. I'm out.

shut your mouth ya jim rome wannabe left nut sucking prick
by: The Game
Friday, October 20 5:56 AM PT
take a little of your own advise and post something worth reading instead of attacking people that are at least trying. why are you attacking me, is it because of your small penis, did your mother not give you enough hugs as a kid, did you not get that pony for your 12th birthday? come on, tell uncle bill what the matter is, i will help you through this you sad sad man. i know we can find you the help that you need, unfortunatly nobody can help you sad ass team, they are just horrible. now i am out, slapnut! fu.

isnt the 19 cent team 1-6 and the game is 6-1, nuff said.
by: The Game
Friday, October 20 5:58 AM PT
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, your words would mean anything if you could back them up son, try again.

Maybe I Should Call You Cha Cha Instead
by: 19-Cent Team
Friday, October 20 10:12 AM PT
What are you, some kind of pedofile talking about penises and sitting on uncles laps? Note: Don't air your dirty laundry over the posts. As for my team, it's not that I don't try, my guys ar just not that good. I still am not going to give a weekly update as to wether or not my opponent will be playing a defense this week and that the cosmos hang in the balance of this monumental fantasy football game this weekend. Get a clue sad sack. Later.

blah blah blah, grow up, get a clue and get a team.
by: The Game
Friday, October 20 10:19 AM PT
im tired of trying to post on here to hype my team and make it interesting for me and whoever else cares. you got what you want punk, i wont post anymore, we will all sit here and watch you waste post on attacking people for your shortcommings. but when it comes down to it, your nothing, nobody, a lousy 1-6 team with a piss poor gm. the end. fu.

Missing the Point Again
by: 19-Cent Team
Friday, October 20 12:47 PM PT
That is just the point, add some kind of humor to your posts. No one cares if the wind is going to be blowing from the southwest and that their kicker might struggle this weekend and that could mean the game for one team or another. I'm tired of reading your boring ass posts. My team may be 1-6, but at least their GM has a sense of humor and a clue about this league.

Update
by: 19-Cent Team
Friday, October 20 12:50 PM PT
Uh oh... Mike Alstott only managed to put up 1.8 points last night. If BEAV has a big weekend running, it could be curtains for the Game. Stay tuned for this gripping story as it unfolds...

man, will you just shut the f up already, damn bitch.
by: The Game
Saturday, October 21 1:36 AM PT
why are you trying to ruin my fun dicky? you havent written a funny thing in the last 3 weeks, take your own advise and leave me the f alone, i have work to do and win this money bitch.

GM of the game's pregame meeting.
by: The Game
Saturday, October 21 2:50 AM PT
(New Cumberland-WV) The game's weekly meeting is on the air today to see if he addresses the 19 cent team.

GM:" hello, and thank you for comming. First off let me say that i will not comment on the lowlife 2 dollar whore team. What i will comment on is what we are going to do to Beav. With the recent addition of new wr's we plan on streatching the beav out. First we are going to lick beav on the post. After each completion we are going to rub the beav into the ground. After the beav is going mad and spread open the defense, we are going to pound the beav over and over till we hit paydirt. BEAV will be left quivering in the corner after we are through with them. Beav will be sore and red after the reaming that we are going to give them. That all i have to say. thanks again for comming."

The gm for the game walks off the stage as the reporters sit there with thier mouths dropped open in shock. in a unrelated story, there are rumors that mike alstott's lackluster preformance the past few weeks is due to drug abuse, when asked about it, mike quoted " that is not true!, i never exhaled anything that the coach smoked before the game."

is this better 19 cent prick?

STOP HAVING YOUR GODDAMN FIGHTS ON THE BOARD
by: Right Balls
Saturday, October 21 3:28 PM PT
IF YOUR JUST GOING TO HAVE AN ARGUEMENT BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE JUST EMAIL THEM PERSONALLY OR USE INSTANT MESSENGER. STOP CLOGGING UP THE DAMN MESSAGE BOARD WITH USELESS POSTS.

Salt Dogs Fire Namesake, GM Morton
by: Salt Dogs
Sunday, October 22 7:59 AM PT
Canton, OH (AP) After two disastrous week 8 mistakes, and a poor season performance, SaltDogs owner Nipsy Russell announced Sunday morning that GM Ryan Morton has been fired. "This cracka can't do shit, let alone run a football team", Russell screamed at reporters. "I'm glad to see his honky ass run outta town. Maybe he can find more suitable work for himself in Samboville."
Speculation has been swirling around the firing of Morton after the SaltDogs got off to a poor 2-5 start. Then, in week 8, after both Dogs' QB's, Rob Johnson and Tim Couch, were injured, Morton made a final mistake. James Stewart's huge game against Tampa Bay had no effect on the SaltDogs fortunes. Stewart was on the bench.
In a statement released Friday, Morton said, "I didn't realize there was a Thursday night game. Since when do we have Thursday night games before Thanksgiving? I place all the blame on the FAFA schedule makers."
Also, due to the Thursday night game, the Dogs' are unable to pick up and start a new QB this week. This means that along with no Stewart points the Dogs will have no QB.
"That mutha is godamn retarded" quipped Nipsy. "Looks like we're throwing in the towel on yet another season. The only thing that can save us now is a strong performance from Keenan McCardell. But, I wouldn't hold my breath or bet my nuts on that one."
Speculation has been swirling that Nipsy could name a new GM as early as this week. Names which have been mentioned include Jimmy "Dynomite" Walker, Don King, and Todd Bridges of Diff'rent Strokes fame. Etiher way you look at it, there won't be another honky in Nipsy's house. They've burned him and his team too badly. Maybe he could dig up the bones of Redd Foxx and offer the GM position. After all, a dead black man is worth twenty stiff white boys when it comes to football.

after game confrence with the game
by: The Game
Tuesday, October 24 9:44 AM PT
game gm," i dont know what to say, warner is down, alstott is underachieving, its not looking too good. last night we planed on licking, pounding and rubbing the beav till it quivered. instead the beav was too strong. it seems that all good men fold and bow to the all mighty beav. its like they had us wrapped around thier little finger, like we were whiped, we were beav whipped. we have to regroup, we have another tough challenge next week."

the game gm hangs his head and walks off.

Balls GM rips into squad, heads rolls.
by: Right Balls
Wednesday, October 25 7:26 AM PT
Bowling Green, Ohio (AP) It was not the morning Warrick Dunn had in mind. "Punk bitches didn't even talk to me. I just opened my locker, saw the red ticket and got the F*** outta there. Punk ass sluts."

"Yes it was a hard decision, but 40 yrds. rushing and 20 rec. are just not going to cut it on the right balls. We already have Green on our squad and Travis is a nice addition. I do wish Warrick the best of luck in his fututre endeavers, which I think include washing Rosanne's underwear and being the next piss boy for Mike Vannett. I would like to add that Drew Bledsoe is now available for rental at any childrens parties for low fee. He does a great balloon trick. It's really wonderful, we are very proud"

Sloppy Joe's in need of facelift
by: Sloppy Joes
Thursday, October 26 12:35 PM PT
Bowling Green, OH (AP)-- In response to a dismal performance for the second straight week, Joe's GM Niet Newlove has once again pumped some life into his squad. "We needed a boost at QB, in steps the ageless Doug Flutie, we needed touchdowns, in step 3 niners to dismantle the Rams putrid 'D'. Warrick Dunn is gonna help down the stretch when Garner and Davis have Bye weeks, it is going to be all right. This week we vow to score 100 points again, and regain the stature within the league which brought fear to the minds of players and coaches alike."

Looks like the Joe's may be trying to shed their "sloppy" image

Right Balls heavily Favored over Pickled Milkmen
by: Right Balls
Friday, November 3 11:06 AM PT
Bowling Green, Ohio (AP) Ball wide receiver Randy Moss was quite outspoken about this weeks matchup vs. the milkmen. "This wont even be close. I dont know why they would even bother coming anywhere near the ball dome. Why dont we just say the balls win and get ready for next week, cause this week ain't even worth playing." Ball GM Murray B had this to say "Normally I would try to shut Randy up, but He's right in this case. The Pickles are just a joke. I don't know how they are up here in playoff contention when they should be down with the PCHS in the area of also rans. Balls by 50, at least."

Gary gets the Slammer
by: Gary Colemans
Monday, November 6 2:25 PM PT
The Gary Colemans showed on Sunday that it is tough being a "little" man in a "big" mans' world. Gary and the boys posted a score that "dwarfed" all team this week....except for one. The Gary's clocked in w/ the second best overall score this week and still came up "short". I will raise a "tall" one to the Slam Pounders for playing a helluva game Sunday. It is no "small" feat to post 100+ points. So do not play a sad song on a "tiny" violin for me, instead toast the Pounders for their "big" victory and handing me the "short" end of the stick.
Goodbye and good drinking!!!

Milkmen Eke out Victory, GM has message for Right Balls
by: Pickled Milkmen (dodez)
Tuesday, November 7 9:29 AM PT
Charlotte, NC---The clearly exhausted GM of the Pickled Milkmen ended his silence today at a press conference. "It was close. Damn close. Favre won it for us on the last play of the last game of the week." Asked about the GM for the Right Balls and Randy Moss's comments early in the week: "I can understand why he would be cocky playing us. Janikowski mysteriously hurt his foot in a Vespa scooter accident. I thought we were done. But, this team has heart, and the Tampa Bay D always comes to play." When asked if he had anything to say directly to GM Murray of the Balls, GM Dodez replied: "Yeah. Less talky, more winny. Nice team you got there. Douche."

email: The Game
Date: Thu, 07 Nov 2000

im looking for a wr or rb of worth, i can give mike alstott and or justin watson.

email: 19-cent Team
Date: Thu, 07 Nov 2000

Right on. Speak the truth brother. Not only is he uniteresting, but he makes shitty trade offers as well. What a winning combo. By the way Shark, I need your new address so I can send you funds.

email: Salt Dogs
Date: Thu, 07 Nov 2000

ooohhh....Mike Alstott and Justin Watson? OH, HAPPY DAY!!! How about I give you Eric Moulds AND Curtis Martin for Alstott and Watson? Get f-in' real. If you want a RB or WR of worth, you are going to have to give something of worth in return. I swear to god that the only trade proposal with any balls that has come my way was from the Bunch....... Keyshawn for Stewart. Still not all there, since Keyshawn is a cokcsucker, but that was a proposal worth thinking about. No more of this Moulds for my placekicker shit...you're wasting time. How about Kurt Warner...can you win without him? Tell you what, when Warner gets back, I'll take him for Moulds. OK?

ALL of my players are up for trade. I don't have a personal attachment to a goddamn one of them. If you make a real offer, you may get your WR or RB. If not, don't bother sending the proposal.

Sincerely Tired of Being Near the Cellar,
SaltDogs

email: The Game
Date: Thu, 08 Nov 2000

hey i didnt put any trades out there, im just saying that if anyone wants them i will give them up for someone of the same level. all i ever hear is negativity from you guys. i thought this was supposed to be fun. oh and about the uninteresting, and shitty trades comment, it is a winning combo, im heading to the playoffs while your losing record and poor attitude are holding on to that last place slot, as jim rome would say...scoreboard! im out.

email: 19-cent Team
Date: Thu, 08 Nov 2000

Way to head into the playoffs there big guy. Did it ever occur to you that I have a life outside of fantasy football and that wether or not I head into the playoffs really doesn't matter to me. Again you are missing the point entirely. Way to quote Rome by the way, that really put me on my heels. I don't have anything to come back with against that verbal onslaught. Now do me a favor, and go back to figuring out what the wind chill is going to be like this week in Carolina so that we who are sitting on the edge of our seats waiting for your statement can get some rest.

email: The Game
Date: Thu, 08 Nov 2000

what are you talking about. how about you come out and make your point instead of trying to put it in nonsense comments that try and cut me down. give it up. and if you dont care about winning in fafa, why are you even here, why did you spend the 30 bucks, why did you draft and why are you awnsering email that are in the fafa list. now just so i understand you, the gm's that are heading into the playoffs and the ones on the bubble have no lives according to you. i personally have some time during the day at work to hop on the net and look at things, shark can vouch for that since he worked here as well. ya kknow what i think you do care that your not going to the playoffs, i think you are errked that the rookie (me) is doing so well in his first year. if you werent you wouldnt be jumping on me like you are. its ok, there is always next year, maybe you will do better. oh and i will make my point again since you completely missed it, this is a fantasy league that is supposed to be fun. talk a little smack, if your good at which i am not so i dont anymore, make trades, good or not, and basically have fun all around. you my friend are not having fun. you are personally attacking me whithout even knowing me. you my friend must have no life to be attacking me. now excuse me i have to go check the wind chill in carolina for sundays game.

email: Salt Dogs
Date: Thu, 08 Nov 2000

I swear to god I'll turn this car around if you two don't clam up!

A Message from the Commish
by: Pouch Mouse USA
Wednesday, November 8 6:11 PM PT
All right, leave it to Bravo and Murray to stir up the FAFA pot. We have some very shady dealings going on here, and being the shyster that I am, can smell a rat in all of this. Here's what the PCHS-Pigskin Squad proposed to the Right Balls:

Cris Carter
Keyshawn Johnson

for

Jeremy McDaniel
Laveranues Coles

As the commish of the league, I am torn between allowing each team to conduct their business and run their team as they please, but also to uphold the integrity of the league by not allowing corruption and collusion to run rampant.

A sensible FAFA GM would never propose this deal in a non-keeper league without some angle. Upon careful examination, I have yet to figure out what PCHS has to gain from this heavily lopsided deal. Quothe Murray, the trade "was all a product of Bravo."

If Bravo can give some legitimate explanation for this, I will consider allowing the deal. Otherwise, the deals will be vetoed as evidence of collusion and ill-guided deceit to defraud the other FAFA GMs in attempt to corruptly (sic) upset the competitive balance of the league.

Dutifully yours,
Mr. Rozelle

email: PCHS-Pigskin Squad
Date: Thu, 09 Nov 2000

Boy, you really know how to kick a guy when he's down, don't you? It's been a long season for PCHS-PigskinSquad. We have won two games and will be watching the play-offs on TV like the rest of America. Much of the blame for this horrific showing falls on the narrow shoulders of Keyshawn Johnson. He has been a cancer in the locker room, a non performer on the field (which begs the question, "how did a 'superstar' turn so goddamned horse shit in one season?"), and a massive disappointment in general. The thought of that sonuvabitch turns my stomach, frankly. Therefore, when Murray offered me McDaniel and Coles (two of my favorite players) for Keyshawn and a throw-in like Cris Carter, I had to jump at it. Now you are trying to tell me that Murray is guilty of collusion? I'm shocked and saddened. While I thought the offers were too good to be true and wondered why a former FAFA champion like Murray would part with a pair of world beaters like McDaniel and Coles two weeks before the post season, it has always been my policy not to look a gift horse in the mouth. As it turns out, perhaps I should have examined the deal a tad more closely before rubber stamping "approved" all over it. It's just that I remember when the name Murray Brazinski meant something. I remember when it stood for something real- something good and pure in a cold, dark world. It turns out Murray Brazinski has let us all down like everything else in this sad, sad life. Shame on you, Shawn Beaverson.

Bravo

p.s. Cancel my subscription to "Right Balls Digest." I don't think you will miss the last of my four easy payments of $19.95, Murr. You won't need money where you're going anyway.

email: The Game
Date: Thu, 09 Nov 2000

since we are trading this way now, hey mort, what did you say about my kicker for eric moulds????? sounds good to me. this was my attempt at comedy, i promise never to do it again.

email: 19-cent Team
Date: Thu, 09 Nov 2000

What's been going on with Bravo anyway? Haven't heard two peeps out of him this year it seems. On to the pressing issues. Of course Mr Morales, I'm somewhat intrerested in this league, but my team isn't fairing to well and so I'm a little more disinterested at present time. Do you really think I give a shit that this is your first time doing this. It's my second, what am I, a polished veteran of writing posts. You see, I read what Shark writes, I read what Yhames writes, even what Mr Morton writes and it makes me chuckle. You're closing statment in your email reply made me laugh. Do that more often and you won't have to hear me asking you to stop your posts (or emails). I don't have much else to look at when I jump on the football page briefly so all I'm asking is that when there is something to read at least let it be worthwhile to the moments that I am looking at it.

Nipsey in Florida Counting Votes, Abandons Salt Dogs
by: Salt Dogs
Friday, November 10 7:57 AM PT
Tallahassee, FL (AP) - How many elderly Jews does it take to elect a President? That's what Nipsey Russell is going to find out this week. The SaltDogs, a team in dire need of leadership after the firing of head coach Ryan Morton, will be without team owner and spiritual leader, Nipsey Russell, as he helps the Florida Board of Elections count West Palm County votes. What is it that attracted Nipsey to the crisis in Florida? Was it his sense of patriotism, or pride in the democratic process? "I don't give a muthafuck about none of that shit," Nipsey exclaimed. "Uncle Sam can lick my balls."
When asked why he felt the need to help recount votes in Florida Nipsey replied, "Look, I have personal interests on the line here. I have been collecting welfare since 1962. Don't mind that I'm a famous entertainer and FAFA franchise owner....all the money from that goes in my momma's name. Shit, I ain't paid for a T-bone with my own money since the Eisenhower administration. If that bitch Bush gets in office, there is a very good chance that me and my people will lose our mealticket. Fuck that. I ain't paying for shit...shouldn't have to."
SaltDogs interim head coach Kirk Cameron, during his third week on the job, agrees with Nipsey's plight. "If you don't give them what they want, they'll just bitch and burn their houses and neighborhoods. Then we have to build new houses for them. So, in the end we are saving money as a nation." When asked about the 'Dogs chances this week, Cameron smiled. "PCHS has gone the way of the 49ers. This should be easy."
What does Nipsey think about the game? "What game? Ahh, fuck it. I'm gettin' paid in this muthafucka. Watch me count these ballots for Gore....1,2,5,7,8. Momma didn't raise no fool! HAHA!"

Commish's Ruling: "No Post-Season for PCHS"
by: PCHS-PigskinSquad
Monday, November 13 1:48 AM PT
(AP)-- Amidst allegations of unfair trading practices and attempting to defraud the league, FAFA commissioner Shark ruled Sunday that PCHS-PigskinSquad will be excluded from post-season play in 2000. The ruling comes on the heels of a pair of voided trades between PCHS-PigskinSquad and league champion Right Balls that many around the league considered "lop-sided."

"It's frustrating to not only have both deals that (Right Ball GM) Murray and I worked so hard to get done be voided, but to take away the post-season from our fans is outright disgraceful," PCHS-PigskinSquad GM Bravo Smith said. "That Coles kid and whatshisname (McDaniel) are fine players on the cusp of greatness. I don't see what the problem is. Maybe the commissioner thought that Cris Carter and Keyshawn Johnson would somehow make The Right Balls a better team, thus threatening his own title chances. I don't know. It's amazing to me that these sanctions would be levied against a squeaky-clean organization like the PCHS family while jackasses incapable of forming complete sentences are allowed to air their dirty laundry in the press all season. 'The Bravo' says that is ludicrous!"

The league has since fined Smith $15,000 for his inflammatory remarks.

FAFA News as the Playoff Race Heats Up
by: Pouch Mouse USA
Tuesday, November 21 8:49 AM PT
- Nipsy of the SaltDogs is going to have to find a new home in the XFL, as rumor has it that the former cast of Growing Pains (Alan Thicke, Kirk Cameron, Tracey Gold, AND Judith Light) has staged a Coup de Salt and taken over ownership of the team. Following an embarassing loss to the Implants, team President Ryan Hortense Morton was found staying in a flophouse outside Portugese Newark and eating dry gravy packets for lunch.

- The Sloppy Joes are an ounce of ketchup and pinch of brown sugar short of a victory this week against the Mice. They may enlist former Vikings receiver Buster Rhymes as sideline support (due to budget constraints, Busta Rhymes the rapper was unavailable).

- Speaking of sideline support, word has it that Phil Villipiano has been working the lines for the Slam Pounders during their seven-game winning streak.

- Will someone quiet the BEAV down??

- The Balls look to defend their crown after meeting up with fellow colluders, the PCHS-Pigskins. The pre-game ceremony plans to honor the AFL-CIO, the Teamsters, and local UAW 643 with plaques made of balsa wood and copper.

- Can a Milkmen play with Implants?

- Midgets were flown in from around the world to pose with Coleman's GM, Regis Shields. Action poses included the Kim Fields double-dutch midget clutch and the Todd Bridges round-the-world walking the midget dance. Regis will be signing autographs after next weeks game.

- Speaking of the GAME, GM Bill Morales has come to terms on a settlement with 19-Cent GM Faygo Pops based on the latter's libel suit against the former. Morales has agreed to use his spellchecker and uncapitalize his team name and quit referring to the 19-cent squad as the "crisp and clean with no caffeine team", while Pops will forfeit all trademarks in relation to his new line of board games and video games, entitled "The Game".

- Pouch Mouse USA is favored to win the FAFA Cup by Vegas Bookies

The Colemans look for Revenge
by: Gary Colemans
Thursday, November 30 10:06 AM PT
Team Report:
-The last time the Gary Colemans and the Slam Pounders faced off the Pounders handed Garys' ass back to him by way of a 108-82 thwarting. Will the playoffs equal the same result? For the Colemans sake hopefully not. This time though they will be led by the ever inconsistant Kordell Stewart. GM Regis is hoping to see the Kordell of '97 who also made an appearance in Cincy last weekend.
"We need 'Slash' back...the running, passing, touchdown scoring Stewart of old. There is no time for that crying, pillow-biting Stewart of the last two seasons," GM Regis said Thursday.
-To be victorious the Colemans need big games from their big backfield...Edge James and Jerome Bettis.
"I expect nothing more than stellar performances from these two. They are the best backfield in the game," Regis said.
-The Colemans will be without the King himself, Elvis Grbac. Elvis injured his throwing hand while strumming a rousing rendition of "Blue Suede Shoes." He will not see any action this week.
With that being said GO GARY BEAT THE POUNDERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Milkmen GM thinks his team sucks ass...
by: Pickled Milkmen
Friday, December 1 6:01 AM PT
Charlotte, NC---After a horrible stretch run where the Pickled Milkmen saw their team go from first to worst, GM Dodez had this to say about his team's upcoming game against Pouch Mouse USA: "We suck. We really, really suck. I made some bad moves this year...it's all my fault. It's hard to compete when your WR's have names like Rison, Morris, and Jackson. If we win, it would be the greatest upset of all time."

GM Dodez didn't reply when he was accused of pulling a Holtz.

WOW!!!
by: Right Balls
Monday, December 4 9:45 AM PT
Bowling Green, Ohio(AP) Thats all that can really be said following Sundays game between the Beav and the Balls." Well I guess I can now go back to being called Beav, because we took the game that really mattered. I have to give to the Beav thou. To score 90 and lose is hard work. But it shouldn't have been even that close. Without David Bostons career game it would have been a laugher. Of course the Milkmens amazing victory over the Pouch Mouse is what everyone is talking about. Much like the Rams season, It looked like it was going to be the Mouse running away with everything and then to get knocked out first round by the Milkmen is pure craziness. Shark is probably wishing he would have taken that Faulk for Dunn deal I offered a few weeks back. So now Im getting ready for the showdown between the balls and the slipper wearing Milkmen. I say bring it on."

The Gary Colemans reach a new Height
by: Gary Colemans
Tuesday, December 5 3:08 PM PT
(AP) Columbus, OH - The Gary Colemans are standing tall today after squeaking by a talented Slam Pounder team. Entering last night the Colemans held a slim 7.35 point lead. The Pounders Tony Gonzalez (147 yds. 1 TD) battled hard to win the game for his team, but the Colemans Derrick Alexander stood tough (116 yds. 1 TD).
"I knew if I could match him yard for yard, TD for TD that I'd win the game for us. Tony did outgain me, but we still held on for the win none the less," Alexander said after the game.
"Derrick did play a great game last night," GM Regis said, "We have Mindy Cohn (Natalie from Facts of Life fame) waiting in the locker room to toss his salad. He deserves this kind of four star treatment. He's our MVP today."
Edge James, although, felt a little different about being MVP.
"I knew what kind of shit was waiting back in the shower," James said, "that's why I played so bad. Jerome told me about that funk-nastiness. I didn't want no part of that."
(Editors note: James only had 31 rec. yds and 49 rush yds.)

The Colemans are now looking forward to their "game" next week against none other than "THE GAME" himself.
"They are a tough, tough team. We lost to them in the first game of the season so we are looking for a little bit of payback...just like we gave to the Pounders," GM Regis said.
Elvis Grbac, who had the week off for the Colemans, was a little less subtle.
"Next week-ah....we will teach The Game-ah...a lesson in what it's like-ah...to get beatdown-ah...by a 3-ft washed up child actor who couldn't hold a steady job as a security guard and who's now probably at home jankin' off to his train collection-ah....that he'll never...eeevvvvveeer...forget....If ya smell...what Mindy Cohn...is cookin'!!!!"

Milkmen Win, GM fighting hangover
by: Pickled Milkmen
Monday, December 11 9:41 AM PT
Charlotte, NC---After consecutive upset wins, GM Aaron Dodez greeted reporters Monday with sunglasses and a hoarse voice. But his spirits were high: "I have to give it up to the whole team. We were counted out. Forgotten. But on Sunday, everyone came to play. From the Tampa Bay defense all the way to Aaron Brooks and Troy Brown. Everyone contributed. This is a great win for us." Asked about his chances next week: "We have been playing well beyond our means. I don't think we have much of a chance. But one thing I know, our players will come to play. We may not have talent. But we's gots heart..."

And with that GM Dodez passed out. He was unavailable for any more comments.

Improbable run continues for the Colemans
by: Gary Colemans
Monday, December 11 11:26 AM PT
(AP) - Columbus, OH - The Cinderella run continues for The Gary Colemans. In another upset victory the Colemans defeated The Game without Edge James even taking the field. It was a sweet victory for the Colemans who are now on their way to the FAFA championship in their inaugural season.
A press conference was held at 12 pm est. in the champagne room of Cols. Gold, former headquarters of Pouch Mouse GM and league commish Shark. In a surprise to the media and to GM Regis himself team owner Gary Coleman made an appearance.
"I just wanted to come here today to show my support for my team, my namesake. GM Regis has done a fabulous job with them. I hold Regis in the highest regard. I truely believe that this team has what it takes to go all the way," Gary said.
When asked about his chances this weekend against the Milkmen, Regis had this to say,"The Milkmen are a very talented team. We beat them once this year, but they have a whole new look now. They are exciting to watch and will be very tough to contain, especially Eddie George. He's one of the best in the league. And you can't forget...."
At that point in time Regis was cutoff by the sound pulsating R&B music blaring from the speakers. In the back corner of the room the owner himself, Mr. Coleman, was being treated to a lap dance by not one, but three of the Golds' finest. At that time press conference organizer, former NBA star Willis Reed, went over to the jukebox, pulled the plug and was quoted as saying," What the hell are you doing Gary? We are trying to hold a press conference here."
"What you talkin' about, Willis?" Gary said.
"I'm talking about trying to hold this press conference. Now can we finish?"
"Wow," Gary said,"No one has actually ever answered that question before. Um...yeah...go ahead and finish," Gary answered, quite bewildered.
To close the press conference GM Regis once again took the podium.
"As I said, I like my teams' chances this weekend..."

AP writer fired; story apparently too long to publish
by: Gary Colemans
Monday, December 11 11:36 AM PT
(Reuters) Columbus, OH - In a strange course of events AP staff writer Richard Moll (former Night Court star Bull Shannon) has been fired from the AP staff for his story on the FAFA team The Gary Colemans. He apparently ran too long on his story and it could not be fully published. We will post the remaining of the story here:
To close the press conference GM Regis once again took the podium.
"As I said, I like my teams' chances this weekend, although they are a little nervous. So boys, come on in here. Elvis, Jerome, Edge.....nope, not you Derrick. We got Mindy Cohn waiting in the bathroom for you. The rest of you boys sit down and enjoy."

FAFA Bowl Shuffle
by: Gary Colemans
Tuesday, December 12 11:14 AM PT

Our name is Gary not Shandling or Olandis
The name is Coleman and we're going to bust it like this
A little FAFA rhyme all full of soul
To get you pumped up for the FAFA Bowl

The Colemans and the Milkmen are leading the pack
Racing for the trophy, no need to talk smack
We snuck into the playoffs, me 7th him 8th
Now we have a chance, a chance to be great

Some way some how the Colemans did what it took
Even though we lost Galloway and Michael Westbrook
A little bit of sympathy the waiver wire didn't lack
It gave me Alexander, Ward and the man the call Grbac

And don't forget the GM, the man is a genius
Traded Tiki and Cherbet for the Bus Jerome Bettis
So all in all we'll know by Monday night
Will the Colemans be champs...YO DAMN RIGHT!!!!!


Milkmen Win!!! Milkmen Win!!!
by: Pickled Milkmen
Sunday, December 17 4:27 PM PT
Charlotte, NC---Even with the Tampa Bay Defense still to go on Monday, GM Aaron Dodez claimed the FAFA Championship. With tears in his eyes GM Dodez dismounted from Suzy Kolber and addressed the press: "I can't believe we did it. I thought that maybe not playing Favre would be our undoing, but by God's grace and Eddie George's magnificient muscles, we beat the Gary Colemans." Asked if he had anything further to say, perhaps words for the other GMs, or some sort of deep thought about the months of arduous decision making, GM Dodez simply turned towards the cameras, smirked, and said:

"Just let the commissioner know that I have a new address. I want him to know where to mail the check."

Balls GM Claims Victory
by: Right Balls
Monday, December 18 7:21 AM PT
Bowling Green, Ohio (AP) Even with mondays game to be played, Balls GM Murray B has already claimed victory and the bronze medal for the 2000 FAFA season. "I'm still alittle disappointed about that game with the Milkmen, but I do appreciate the fact it took there best game of the season (by far) to take us down. But a third place finish is still better than 12 other so called squads this year. This was a rebuilding year, look for the Balls to reload the gun in 2001. And I also must add that the Beav is cheap and PCHS is a disgrace. Thank you. Go Tamps Bay.

hats off to the balls and the rest.
by: The Game
Tuesday, December 19 5:16 AM PT
columbus ohio(ap)- the game's gm william morales released the following statement regarding his first year in the league. " I want to thank comissioner shark for giving my team the chance to partake in what was the best time of my fantasy life. Being the new guy i got alot of flack from the vets and some was even deserved. comming in 4th isnt that bad for the first year, i hand it to the balls, they show up when it counts. so thank you all and have a great off season."

thanks everyone. till next year.

email: Salt Dogs
Date: Tue, 12 Dec 2000

Looks like Nipsey is striking a deal with Vince McMahon AND he's pressing charges on Gary Coleman for assault in a Venice Beach mall.

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